blog - Lord Knows

Apathy. Its not a choice.
There are some fights I just don't see as worth fighting. Sometimes you just gotta wait for things to change. You fight the fights by securing your way out of them. Sure, it sounds like avoidance- hell, maybe it is- but it's not not working right now (for me). Three months and I'll be off to college, thank the Lord! Ive already got my roommate set up and everything. Then I won't have to deal with my parents as much, or my extended family.
My mind is full of contradictions, and the role of family is one of them. On one hand, I'd love to know and have close relationships with everybody in my extended family. I'd like to keep the history of our tree, and tend to it carefully. I believe them all to be nice, loving, caring, and considerate people regardless of the reality. Call me an optomist or something. This part of me urges myself to detransition and leave everything like that behind. This part of me wants to be what all my family and ancestors would want me to be, and take on the task of figuring out just what that is. This task is overwhelming and feels near impossible.
On the other hand I think to myself,"Who cares about all that family stuff?" This is a very American mindset, believe it or not. While Americans preach homegrown family values, it's hardly demonstrated in comparison to places like China or something. This is an observation rather than a critiscm. We send our elders to homes, or even cut them off. Of course, this happens everywhere, but it feels real American to leave and never come home. Leaving the nest, rebelling against parents, and disrespecting elders may to me seem so American because it's our history. Britain could be seen as the father whom we rebel against.
I digress; on the other hand I realize that all my old relatives I either already don't talk to much (and neither do my parents), haven't much time left (to be frank, I do wish them all many more lengthy happy years, call me a realist for this I supose), already don't like my family, or are (in reality) not the nicest. If I do my own thing and stay to myself yes I won't have the occasional family meet up, but I'll have my freedom of sorts. How close will I be with my extended family (great aunts, great uncles, second, third, and fourth cousins)? How close do I want to be? How about my extended family (uncles, aunts, cousins, etc)? Realistically how close would I be with them anyway? I'd love to keep close contact. I know that for certain. Thing is, I already don't. Hell, my Uncle and Aunt have forgotten my birthday the past several years. My relationship with my immediate family will persist regardless of it all.
I'm opening a lot of questions and have few to no answers. My truths lie like needles in the sands of time. My answers lie tied to them.

-Jemma, 5/15/25