2/19/25:
don't worry so much, you're a flower, girl

The Descent - 2/20/25

I can kind of feel my reality slipping. Although the blog may not show it, I've been writing a lot. Usually I just write at school, but yesterday I even did at home. I've been writing a lot of really me shit so I've been keeping it off the blog. I mean, all of the posts I make on here I still really personal, but they're usually quite cryptic. I haven't done one of these posts in a few days I think. Or, not days, but posts. It's been a few posts. I'm sort of thinking of adding some stuff back to the site. First off, maybe a little button marquee on the bottom. I've kind of cut off from connection with other sites since I did this update (aside from three friends). If you subscribe to the belief of a lot of old web and retro webbers (such as melonking), you'd believe that this is bad. You need to have that connection. I think there's something liminal and beyond all about web dead ends. It's like you've reached the end, and it brings you to ask what next. I also have other ideas for the site~~, but first I need to come back to reality~~. My creative process has been a bit strong. I'll see you tomorrow?

-Jemma, 2/20/25

2/21/25:
i'll be in the car driving to a dumb wedding on halloween >:/

Abscence - 2/21/25

I'm sure I had something I was gonna write about today on the blog. I wrote a seven page chronicle in my diary. That took a lot of my morning. It was really valid for processing. Someone also suggested I might be experiencing bouts of psychosis with my spurts of dysphoric dissociation dereilty shit. It's almost eleven o'clock and I'm tired. My hands smell like acetone and my arms are chilled. I really should sleep but this music is intoxicating me. I need it like a drug. I want to quit it and just go to bed, but I just need to take it. I wait for the day of independence from this house. My room seems like a safe haven, but even within these walls I'm under their rule, and the rule of the world around me. I guess I'll never escape the walls of social reality. My friend worded it better than I ever could. I've been doing pretty consistent blog posts, web. Maybe once again I become dependent on your unreturned gaze. You are only ears, and when you talk back it's someone else. It's not you internet. I wish I could trust you like I used to, but I've replaced you with my diary, but I guess I can keep slipping you morsels. It can't hurt.

-Jemma, 2/21/25

3/1/25:
Hihi! I'm back my webjems!

My Abscence - 3/1/25

Hihi! As many of you readers may have noticed, the site has been down since the 21st. I was going through a brief three day patch of derealization and then knew something had to change. The change isn't quite done yet. I have a good bit of reformatting I want to do with how I present this home page and the blog portion. I have added a good number of pages back to the site. I'm trying to recover the homeiness that the site had before I crashed it out in late December. This is still part of the Sunflower site, but I'm done limiting my blog posts, and I'm done depersonalizing and cryptifying. This site is a raw piece of me, a beating heart and a bleeding limb. A face like no other. More change is yet to come. Thank you readers for returning. You aren't the reason I'm here, but I always welcome your gaze.

-Jemma, 3/1/25

3/2/25:
Watching the Oscars :P

My Return! - 3/2/25

Hellos internet, it's Jemma, and I'm back and betterish than ever! Yesterday I launched the majority of the site's new updates, but I didn't launch the complete new blog (which you see here). This page used to be called the blog archive, but now I just call it the blog. I'm excited to today launch this new format of the blog, and the home made background quilt texture. This quilt resides on my bed. It is from my late grandmother whom I loved so much.
I'd like to explain why I've brought back so many elements of the site. Yesterday I said how the first half of the Sunflower update (which I launched in late December) was "depersonalizing and cryptifying". This isn't wrong. I did intentionally cut down on myself on the site. Now I'm coming to understand that this makes no sense. This is a personal site, and a personal blog. While I can regard my privacy and safety, I can't take down the old blogs forever. They're on the wayback machine. I also can't pretend to be something I'm not, and hide myself. Like what was starting to happen then there would be no blog. I want there to be a blog. This is why I won't be limiting myself.
Also I wanted to note that around this time last year I had just changed the site to the purple update of the site. I didn't realize this until far after I decided there needed to be a change (which happened around my derealization episode from the 19th to the 21st, and carried on in reactivity in days following till now ish). Maybe its something in the air around this time of year.
I'm watching the Oscars right now. I'm gonna get going, I also want to go eat a cookie. BUT ALSO BEFORE I GO I'D LIKE TO SAY I INTERVIEWED CHANDLER OF POCHEMUCHKA FOR AN INTERVIEW FOR ERIK HOUDINI'S SITE AND I'M ALSO GONNA B HOSTING THE INTERVIEW ON MY SITE! STAY TUNED, IT DROPS WEDNESDAY!! Okay, byeee!!!! Stay lovely webjems.

-Jemma, 3/1/25

3/3/25:
I wanna watch TV real badd

Seventeen - 3/3/25

I often find myself yearning to be home, occasionally even when I am. Right now, and possibly the rest of the day will be like this. I'm really excited to hang out with my friend, but I'm also yearning to be home. Once I am home I'm gonna have work I must do, and this will last me quite a while and I'll be too tired to take part in activities I'd like to by the time I'm done. Instead I'll probably do my little workout (gotta stay snatched and such). Then I might watch an episode of AP Bio or two. I really want to finish watching the last episodes of Serial Expiriments Lain, which I've been going crazy about. Friday I watched the first half of the anime (about four episodes), but then decided to slow down as I wanted to savor something so good. I am excited though to hang out with my friend. I'm also really happy with how the site is right now. It feels more me than ever (which is what I've said almost every update). That doesn't discredit it though. I am ever evolving and ever growing. I allow myself to change, and it is beautiful. Anyways, that's enough garbage talk. I've got life to live and things to do (and hopefully soon) TV to watch. Byeee webjems!!

-Jemma, 3/3/25

3/4/25:
The chorus >
Love Lain for this intro

And You Don't Seem To - 3/4/25

Heyyy webjems, it's your favorite webmistress and internet bitch Jemma. I have a good amount of things I need to do (finish D&D character sheet, finish editing article, school project, work, band practice), but I'm not too worried. I also have the theme song from Lain stuck in my head on and off today. It's really good. I've been coming across media I'm kinda invested in. First Single Drunk Female in January, then kind of a lull in February (but I did get into some new music with Fem&m and Femtanyl). I guess that was more at the end of January I got into that. So idk why February was such a lull in media, probably just cuz I was busy and had a lot going on. OHHHH also there was that thing that happened in February that kinda sunk me under. After that though, like right at the end of the month I found Lain. Then towards the end as well I started AP Bio. Now I got this manga that I started today called Until the Full Moon. Lain is kind of making me give anime and manga a second chance (which I haven't considered since Middle School). It's been four years since I've seriously sat down and watched anime or read manga. I used to be obsessed. Not with anything good, just with general shit like Naruto, Fairy Tail, and One Piece. Middle School was weird, but High School's been something else. Anyways, I'm gonna go eat a mango from my friend. Peace out blogirls!

-Jemma, 3/4/25

3/5/25: I don't wanna go to class lol

Stay Cool - 3/5/25

Today is an interesting day. The weather's not too hot, but my soul's not too cold. A cool flowing river of air runs across my skin. Every hair on my body stands in it's path. Anger once ravished this flesh. Now contentment strikes with hunger. It's alright. Almost there.
I hope you webjems are having a good morning, or the best morning you can. I really don't want to go to my college class (I don't want to drive). I also had a dream last night that I ran out of gas in the middle of the road last night, and somehow my car got taken to the nearest gas station. The issue? I wasn't in it. I had to walk all the way there. Luckily a father and his children picked me up and I hitchhiked to the gas station. Now it seems there's no issue there, but there is. I was late for school. I awoke this morning after this dream in a strange sense of urgency. I also lost an important key to an important drawer this morning. I shaved my legs, and it was very rough. I'm kinda cool with all this though. I know it'll work out one way or another. I'm also excited because things are changing for the better for me at work, and I have a job possibly lined up. I'm also checking in with another employer possibly. Maybe this Summer I'll have two jobs (really outdo myself). I guess that is usually my move; overworking myself. Seems to be the move of quite a few people on Neocities. Also, today at some point my interview with the webmaster of Pochemuchka is dropping on erikhoudini.com. I've been aquainted with Erik for a good minute now, and it's cool to have a weekly feature on his site. I might also host the interview on my site, but I really am sick of coding new pages right now. I might be reformatting the posts here, or making it easier to navigate atleast. Also I think the interview(s) are gonna be published in a physical zine, so that'll be neat. Anyways, I aught to get going and actually do something I'm suposed to be doing. I did accomplish everything I said I needed to do on yesterday's post though, so I'm alright. Stay cool webjems, and thanks for reading!!

-Jemma, 3/5/25

3/6/25:
Feeling quite lovely, and I hope you do too!

BeatleMania (Love, Love Me Do) - 3/6/25

Hello blogirls and webjems, and good morning. As of right now I'm in my Design Arts class. There's a poster that I should be working on, but we're working on it in Canva. I hate Canva. Maybe I'm just being a snob and it's because I worked in photoshop in the past (which is much better). Ah photoshop. Photoshop is such a lovely platform. I really like all their inovations and things. It's a real learning curve, but once you've got it, by God, you've got it. I'm currently listening to The Beatles biggest commercial failure (and literally contractually required album) Yellow Submarine. I'm just listening to the orchestral parts of it (which is all but four songs). As much as I think I'm not like super in love with The Beatles, they're always in my top artists and I come back to them a lot. I have been listening to them since early childhood (like many). I started with the songs my Mother and Father would play. Once I got my MP3 player I decided to get some of their albums from the library and rip the files on my Mom's computer and throw 'em on there. This was fifth grade, and I got The Magical Mystery Tour, Abbey Road, and Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. I liked the surrealistic aspects of those albums (specifically Sgt. Pepper's and Mystery Tour). From this time until I stopped listening to them so much in Middle School I listened to these albums of theirs. I also got into 1 a little bit, because this is what my parents played quite a bit. I remember the week that Spotify got access to The Beatles catalog. That was wild feeling.
Around late Middle School and Early High School I got back into them. I had been listening to a lot of Chuck Berry and other early rock n roll and blues the Summer between, and I had sort of sworn off the odd sounds of late Beatles, but I forgot about their early stuff. Around this time my brother was also getting really into them. I ripped into A Hard Day's Nght. My Mom had always played it when I was a kid, and it was perfect for looking out the window in longing. I really was getting into it. Then I let them go after that year, and actually around the time of the Red Blog I got back in. I was drawn in from listening to Siouxie and the Banshees' cover of Helter Skelter. I also got a double album record of theirs for very little money, the compilation Rock 'n' Roll Music. Damn, I forgot I have that. It's a good listen. It's a shame it isn't on Spotify. But yeah, getting this inspired me to make a playlist titled Rockin' Beatles. This all got me back in again. There's a cool vibe. It's interesting because they cover so much ground that I can always seem to find something to fit my vibe, whether that's trans euphoria, liminal depression, hard fast rock n roll, smooth love songs, or whatever fuckery I'd like. I have a similar playlist to the Rockin' Beatles of Charlie Rich titled Rockin' Rich. I truly am a Beatles girly. Maybe I should get a shirt.
Okay, that's enough Beatles talk for today. I hope you lovely readers are having a wonderful day, no matter the circumstance. Byee!

-Jemma, 3/6/25

3/7/25:
Lalalalalalalalalalaaa

Media - 3/7/25

Hey blog, today I'm doing well! It is going to be a really good day. I feel a hope for the future. I've been working a lot, but it's nice to know it is all going to pay off. I have the right to go for what I want, no matter how silly it is. Right now I'm listening to a playlist I made (gotta check real quick) in November. That's kind of what I thought. It has kind of Summery vibes. Kind of nostalgic too. At lunch I'm going to hang out with my friend and her friend in her car. It's really chill. I'm glad to have friends, and very thankful. Gratefulness is the sunshine of my life. This morning has been really chill. I finished a project I've been working on for a class, and then started journaling a little bit. Then I went to my next hour and had a really easy assignment, so after I kind of just hung out-and took care of my new Tamagotchi! My co-worker gave it to me because he said he killed it too many times. I should probably check on it...
Okay, it's still doing well. I haven't named it yet, or given it official pronouns, but if you lovely readers have any ideas you should drop them in the guestbook. I started reading this book, Girlmode this morning. The main girl is pretty dorky- and about like a Star Wars bootleg- but I think I'll be able to get around it. She's just so shy so far and giving up these great opportunities to hang out with this dorky guy that is like so into her. I just think maybe she should look around more before taking that path immediately. I also have been working my way through Aquamarine. I really like it, it's pretty cheesy, but I like mermaids and I like the vibe. Especially with it being March. March can be as nice as I make it, I need to remember that for all the months. We're only seven days in (a holy number), so I'm gonna turn my mindset and love March for what I want it to be! Anyways, I'm excited to go home and enjoy myself tonight. First night off in a minute! Have a wonderful afternoon blogirls! Byeeeeeeee!

-Jemma, 3/7/25

3/10/25:
the future is bright

Need Not Fret - 3/10/25

Heyy blogirls and webjems, it's Jemma. This day is going to be a good day, and so is this week. I am keeping a positive attitude. I'm oddly excited for work today. It'll be very dead, which is almost a zen state. Not much going on, I can just wander and mind my own business. I had a really good weekend. I worked, I went on a little thing and figured out probably what college I want to go to. I also watched a good bit of TV (another episode of Lain, my Pokemon Advanced Battles dvds I got for a dollar, and AP Bio) and got to play video games (Pokemon Shuffle, Pokemon Ultra Sun, and Super Princess Peach DS). I need not worry about the days to come. All will be well, and all that is meant to happen will.
Today I plan to turn to introspect. Something about it tells me to. It's that or I needlessly worry about the days ahead, but why do those have to be the options? I don't know, that is for the reflections of my diary. I need not get overwhelmed, and neither do you. I hope you all have a wonderful Monday. Mondays have an unapreciated beauty to them. Does one not view them as a fresh start? A new day to begin a new week? The Mayans viewed each new day as a complete fresh start. I strive to see it that way. Go be beautiful webjems.

-Jemma, 3/10/25

3/13/25:
Frankly pissed off, but shouldn't be

Hey, Whatever - 3/13/25

Today's blog post is one of classic teenage angst that would fit better in the Red version of the site. Maybe even purple, which was almost a year (but feels like a decade) ago. So fitting of those old ones. There's this big thing I promised I'd do tomorrow and Saturday, kind of a charity thing. I really don't wanna do it because it's something that used to be me, but now isn't really. Maybe it's just that I need to get out of this town, which I will in five-ish months. Five months. Five sweet months. I was gonna write about something very specific, and then I forgot.
I've been quite busy, so my media binge has paused. I did finish the first volume of Until the Full Moon it was good. A little confusing, but I enjoyed it. The first manga I've actually finished since Middle School. I'm going to start reading the second volume today, and then the next comic on my list I wanna read is New Girl comic (that is not related to the show). I've always been the new girl. Or atleast in a way. I'm not one of those kids that switches schools every year or two, but I switched in the middle of Elementary, then after Middle School. It's like in Miitopia when your Mii gathers a party and then gets taken from the party right as they're getting close or stronger. That's not to say I'm not close with anyone. I have a best friend, I have a girlfriend, and I have plenty of close friends. There's lots of people I'm friends with. I'm a social person, but I have the capabilities to be a shut-in. I just have gotten moved more than someone that goes to the same school district all their life, and I'm not complaining. I think I thrive in being a little bit unknown. I latch onto a few people in different groups, and overtime everyone gets to know eachother and then they're like,"Oh, you know her too?". That's when it gets weiird. Like, there's structures of people knowing eachother. I don't really know what I'm getting at, but I think it'll be good for me to be the new girl again.
Back on media though, I also finished reading the comic Girlmode, and frankly it made me feel worse about being a transgirl. I know this isn't the goal, and there were a good few parts that were pretty good and funny, but it also had a bunch that made me feel worse. It was also very cynical in a way. Like, an underlying tone, even though above it was suposed to be positive. I think it's still a good read though for understanding a piece of the transfem experience. But, I think it's more of a "I already have finished a good deal of transitioning and am on HRT and am getting tits" story, where as this is only a part of the process. Maybe I'm being too critical. Reads like Us are better for a full trans experience story, or even reading Until the Full Moon feels better, because the lover is accepting no matter what the main character Marlo is as he sort of transitions. I could get into the details, but you can just go read it for yourself if you want that. I also finished watching Aquamarine and LOVED it. And my girlfriend found a magic wand at the park yesterday, which is super cool and sparkly. I gotta look ahead of what is in front of me and see the beauty of the future rather than be stuck in the grit of the now. There is so much beauty ahead, the sun shines. Five sweet months, and only two-ish of the real rough stuff (which isn't even that rough). I guess we all go through it sometimes though, but it'll never be as wack as it was. I hope you readers have been well the past few days, and hope to see you all again soon. Ciao!

-Jemma, 3/13/25

3/17/25:
It's been a minute! :)

yikers - 3/17/25

Hello webjems, it has certainly been a few days. Four to be precise! A lot has gone on, and I've been busy most every day, but now it feels as though a little stress is off my chest. Today I rushed out the door per usual to an unusual snowfall on the ground. i still feel like I'm rushing, even though I have no need. It's not like today will be difficult. I'm excited to rest. I also started looking for a roommate last night, and it seems to be going well.
I had to pause writing this post because life happens, yknow. I think I had work to do, but now I'm back into procrastinating. I mean, I call it procrastinating, but I have most of my work done. I just have to measure some artwork.
Anyways, I can't really promise that there will be more frequent blog posts. This page might be fading. I've thought a lot about starting a different site, but I'd need to essentially like write a rule set for myself. It'd basically be starting over as a completely uknown site again (not that I'm known, but I've just had the site up for over a year). I don't know how people are able to keep a site consistantly for so many years. I always could just take an extended break. Put up a page thats like "be back soon". For now, I'm just gonna keep doing inconsistant blog posts. I think I'm just so tired right now from such a long weekend that I don't feel like anything. I don't know how I'm gonna get to work tonight, but I will do it. Hopefully I'll get back on top of it. It's not like my life is falling apart, I actually have a lot together, more than I have in past weeks. Anyways, I'm gonna go b4 I spiral online. Byee girlies!

-Jemma, 3/17/25

3/25/25:
"Go easy on yourself," I tell myself.

Where is myself? - 3/25/25

Hello readers. I know it's been a while. I disapeared from the web again. I mean, I guess it makes sense with the title of the site. I just have been abysmally busy. I had some of the best and some of the most stressful days. That's okay though, life is a flow. Life is a balance. I find that I'm starting to lose myself in my business. I drown myself in thing after thing after thing. That's why today I'm giving myself a break after school. I'm going to go home and rest. My sleep has been minimal as of late too, and I almost always feel like I'm falling asleep. This may be my own fault. It may not. I know not the true reason for it all. Perhaps I am the root of all my problems. That is what I used to believe, but I've since changed, and I must keep changing. I struggle with retaining pieces of myself and changing. Both are necessary, but balance is hard to achieve. How do I know what to keep? How do I know what to leave what behind? I know not why I wake in the wee hours of the morning. It's evolved from three to one. I must stay positive about myself, and not forget to love and apreciate myself and those around me. I have a wonderful support network surrounding me, and I think I take it forgranted. I must be grateful, or all will disappear. I must reciprocate. I also need to be a little easier on myself. This is why I've been staying off the blog. These are diary thoughts. It's so easy to get overwhelmed by it all, and I believe that it what I have done, but all will be well in the end.

-Jemma, 3/25/25

3/31/25:
Been gone, don't know when I'll be back

Excerpt from Diary, 1/31/25 - 3/31/25

I find myself often in a strange predicament; to be known, yet unknown; being heard, but not understood. They say actions speak louder than words, but deaf ears could never hear. They say all is well that ends well, but [it] feels like it will never end.
I'm a name without a face, a body without a soul. I'm a person to be limited to a place, but to some not even a thing. I'm a noun unpropper, for the ease of statistics. I'm a number, and sometimes I don't mind it. Whats wrong with that? Why can't I just boil myself down to a fraction of a human. I dare to argue to myself that it would be easier, knowing it'd only [kill me].
Maybe I'm weak, but I know that's not true. Maybe I'm strong, but I'll never believe it. Maybe I know, but I'm sure I'll doubt it [...] maybe I'll pick up my pen and stab through the American flag [...]

-Jemma, 3/31/25

4/1/25:
Everybody says I have this vibe, but they never tell me what it is..

Excerpt from Diary, 2/28/25 - 4/1/25

It's been a few days. Not particularly rough days. Theres been good happening. I don't know why I feel this [way]. I keep living. I keep doing what I know I must. I even have been doing things for fun [when I get a chance]. I know one thing, [...] I'll pull myself up. I know I can, and I know I'm capable.
I feel less disosciated than I did [the past few days]. I'm just still not all the way there. I get this feeling like that I want to be entirely [non-existent], but I know that won't solve my problems.
[...]
It's been raining on and off, not too much. [...] Rain makes me feel gross. I can't even remember anything. [...] there's just nothing. Literally nothing. No memories. [I] try and piece it together. [I can't.]

-Jemma, 4/1/25

4/15/25:
The crisis obviously..

Hi - 4/15/25

Hi readers. As some of you may have noted the blog has been dead since the start of the month. I'd appologize, but frankly it's my blog and I can kind of do whatever I want. I feel justified to do whatever I will with it, and I urge other bloggers to do the same. This does not mean I feel good myself about leaving it empty. I was in a bit of an interesting mental situation towards the start of the month, and then I went on a trip to a far off land for a good weekish. Upon my return I hit the ground running with getting back into my life, and now I'm finally here. I've drafted a few blog posts since on random off moments and off days the past two weeks (yes, it's been two weeks since the last post! Last year's me would be disapointed, but I do not write for her, I write for me). None of the posts I was starting to write seemed to stick in my mind. They don't even stick now. I'm not sure what it is. Hopefully this one will and I will publish it. Part of me wishes I did abandon the blog at the end of last August, just shy of a year of it's conception. In the future I'll probably agree, and I'll also be sure to disagree.
Even the last few blog posts have been non-traditional (to my jemmaontheweb standards), and rather excerpts of my diary from past months. A lot of what I used to write in the blog now goes in there.
Perhaps I'll go back to posting on here. Perhaps not. I'm thinking about devising a new layout for the site, or way of doing it. Right now it's sort of a patchwork of every version. I used to keep the archives as stagnant pieces that you could visit from a site landing port. The newest edition is a quilted living form of each site passed. I'm thinking of a way to integrate all the blogs, and host earlier 2025 months' posts again (as I had been taking them down). I think my taking posts down commodified the blog posts, and took it all out of context. While hosting all my blog posts since September 2023 is very exposing, I'd rather all of that exist within context than not. There is no option for it not to exist, as once you release something on the web it never goes away. For this reason my mind has run weary of it, but I hope to cool my nerves and calm my ailments if I reaproach the blog. We will see. Stay beautiful readers.

-Jemma, 4/15/25

4/18/25:
Maybe I do remember this weather last year

Future - 4/18/25

Hello readers, my beloveds. Today it rains, not as if there's no tomorrow, but rather an outburst. It happened, and now it's gone. I must remember to not think too deep, to float upon the water. To skim it. Enjoy the sight of it's depths but not to sink to low. Maybe take a dip every now and then, but to come up for air. Air is what fills our lungs and fuels our lives. In a world that I believe to have so few needs air is one. Water too. Of course, water unlike air is on of those "too much of a good thing is a bad thing" needs. Our body takes care of how much air we need naturally, water we regulate ourselves. This is important. We regulate how deep we stride. Our bodies trust us too, and in turn we must not abuse their trusts.
I currently live in a very conservative area of America. Even over democratic periods of presidency it is this way, but it feels more muted. I don't like to be political on the blog, but I think I'm going to run more details to this. I don't like to be political unless it's personal. Some would argue that seeing as I have a platform I should use to to spread awareness, politics, etc. It is my platform though, and I will do as I will with it. If choosing to be unlike many other Neocities sites in this way is what I choose to do, so be it.
But, now I see it in my personal space. As the area was already conservative, but the wider culture was not. Due to this, people within my age group who leaned more conservative but were not die hard conservatives would keep their beliefs that were against other races, ethnicities, cultures, and queers to themselves. As the wider political culture has changed to align with this I have seen/heard more of this. This is not great, but for me there is a brighter part. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. For college I will be moving to a less conservative area. This was not planned, it just worked out that way. The college had everything I wanted. It was on the less expensive side (which for colleges is still expensive), a good distance (but not too far) from home, and had the programs I wanted for my degree (History major, Graphic Design minor, and then I'll be going elsewhere for my MLIS degree). I'm so ready to get out. I am so reaedy. Of course, I'll also be missing people from this are that I'm close with that I'll have to leave behind. There's plusses and minusses, but a grand majority of plusses. The future is bright.

-Jemma, 4/18/25

4/20/25:
dont you remember?

cross - 4/20/25

my room smells of cigarettes and antiquity; a thousand tiny spores of mold and dust and a craft store candle binded together with the smells of my own being.
each piece of me sprawls across the floor as my eyes begin to itch. i know its april, but my soul begs august or october. a cold rain and memories of bleachers after a football game. in the moment it feels as though there will be no story to be told, but the story has already been written and at once will begin again. the narrative has unfolded and the final cover begins to close. a fifth volume begins. volume four; split to four books, each of three chapters. volume three; three books, three chapters each. volume two; six chapters. volume one; one whole.
imperfect skin leaks perfect emotions. a perfect moment is recrafted like fine porcelain out of broken bits; it will sit upon my mind's shelf to be wondered upon forever, or atleast as long as im able to remember.
childhood's shame will always remain, but its memory forever fades.

-Jemma, 4/20/25

4/21/25:
I'm nothing if not a blogirl

Sister - 4/21/25

I feel the brush of Spring's breeze on my shoulders and know of course that it is time. It is time for change, as it perpetually is. This is not a longing for change as January, December, or late November, but rather change in action. My spirit takes to the sky like a bird to the sky, and in my body feel the Earth move under my feet. The new creation has come: the old has gone, the new is here. Or atleast, it is to be here soon. May lays only ten days away, but today I don't yearn for it as I have been. Today I live in the off-white midwest sunrise; a sunrise promising long grey skies.
I'm nothing if not a blogirl. I'm nothing if not overdramaticizing my teenage life to my glorious readers. I see all and write so little, a flurry of memories wrapping my mind. Each one burns through to my soul. I stare upon the halls of my mind a smile up my sleeve. A smile that can mean so little and so much. A smile for every occasion. How could I take myself serious?

-Jemma, 4/21/25

4/22/25:
It's probably better this way.

Forgotten Diary - 4/22/25

This morning as I was gathering stuff for school I knew that I was forgetting something; it was my diary. Thereore, prepare for a possibly very extended blog post. Lately I've been writing madly in my diary, and by lately I mean the past sixish months. I've written over one hundred or two hundred pages of my thoughts and such. What I used to put in the blog I started putting into my diary for safe keeping. I've become attatched to my diary. I've become a part of it, practically inside of it. I need to pull myself out.
Side note, it'd be so much easier to write this blog post if my F key of my chromebook wasn't being annoying. I keep hitting it and it doesn't put the letter down.
Anyways, all I need is the month of May. I've written whole love letters to the month, and I await it's return. My heirarchy of needs is begining to be clear to me. The foundation is moving out of this town. Once I move out I'll be free from my parents' pointed comments and my community's atmosphere. Everything I need I will find for myself. I had more to say but it was definitely more diary material than blog post (which is probably good that I forgot my diary at home, because then I can't spiral). I try to keep myself from spiraling online, on the blog. Sometimes my efforts are futile, but I try and I'd say I try my best. Anyways blog people, soon I'll look back to this post and will see it in line with the next and the next and the next till it reaches the beautiful present. The linear progression of things getting better will be clear. Have a wonderful day my blogirls.

-Jemma, 4/22/25

4/23/25:
So much that I must do

Only in the Movies, Part 1 - 4/23/25

I am realizing now that I have discovered one of the core and defining experiences of my past two years, the last half of highschool have been detailed with uniquity. I've lived seemingly a unique experience working at my local movie theater. Seeing as I've been able to find no similar thing on the internet with a few surface level google searches, and nothing at the library with glances at the shelves, I'd like to try and capture this experience on my website. This has been a goal since the Summer of '24 a little bit, but now I'd just like to share pieces of my experiences. I'll probably do this in a series of blog posts, not just this first one, and if I do I will probably synthesize it into one larger essay when complete.
With that said, I'd like to preface this with what to expect of this story. This story is one of hauntings, one of anemoia, one of lonely walks through the dark and flashing lights. This is a story of visions in the nothing. This is a story of derealization, dissosciation, and circling all the way back. This is a tale of midwestern grey days and their counterpart; sweaty Summer sun beating in from windows up above.
Our story begins when a friend of mine (now one of my two besties, but then only a friend) suggested I apply for a job at the local theater where they worked. I needed a job so I could afford gas for my car and such, so naturally I applied. I got the job at the interview.
This is where the foundations of the lore are laid. Symbols that would carry on for the rest of this ongoing story. I dated one of my co-workers (when they say you shouldn't do so, they goddamn mean it). This movie theater job I quickly realized was gonna be messy. The management was laid back to the point of destruction, the building was falling apart, and the way the shows were laid out led to excessive down time for an overstaffed facility. For those who don't know, for a small theater such as ours shows run in waves. A couple movies will start over a period of an hour or a few unless there's a huge film like Barbenheimer, Deadpool, the Eras Tour, Inside Out Two, and others of the sort. That means that between those waves you have a bunch of time (a movie's length often) to clean up the place. Once you're done, you can socialize. In this case, that has led to social heirarchy, cliques, several relationships, friendships, and other discord. I used to let this play more of a part in my experience, but since '23 and early '24 I haven't. After I broke up with my ex I've stayed clear of any and all social workings of the theater as I genuinely do not care. I am there to work. If I make friends, that is cool. If I don't, I still get paid.
Anyways, that makes for a good start to the story. I figure I'll be thinking about this a lot seeing as I got a total of 22 hours next week, and I already am thinking about it a lot. This story is one that I think (for myself atleast) needs to be told, and this blog, this place on off the web is dedicated to myself I supose. Stay tuned for more my beloved readers.

-Jemma, 4/23/25

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