1/9/25:
Been sick for multiple days, so no blog posts, school, work, or much of anything.
Snippets - 1/11/25
..and I keep having these horried dreams after the incedent, and i can't seem to stop them. It started close to the subject, but now it just keeps snowballing and snowballing... and then I told him you're gonna rip.. and then I was horrified... I can't seem to get started on.... and I have so much homework, but at the same time so litte... still don't feel like... maybe I'll redo the website again??
-Jemma, 1/11/25
1/13/25:
Ready to get outta here, I'm going back to the funk.
Tell Everyone About It - 1/13/25
Today I'm going to format things like a normal blog post, because that's just what I'm going to do, because that's what I've decided. I've already listened to so many different artists, and its only 7:48 in the morning. It is exam week, and I'm not really too worried. Most of my exams are looking easy. I'm only upset that my pen has run dry so early. That's alright though, that is alright. Right now I'm listening to Thee Headcoatees, because I'm a headcoat girl. I also was listening to Bjork a lot this morning. I have a substitute teacher in my class I'm in right now today, which is kind of annoying because I like the normal teacher and normal ways. Off to do my work!
-Jemma, 1/13/25
1/14/25:
Why am I still kinda sick?? This is so goofy.
Little Miss Winehouse Pt.2 - 1/14/25
I was going to try and hold out from getting into Amy Winehouse again until February, but can one really control the phases of one's life? They really come and go on their own terms, so here we are and I'm knee deep in her discography relearning and revisiting her songs. I feel like there's not enough buzz about her guitar playing. Some of these chords I've never seen (probably because I'm not too familiar with jazz). So there is that. It's now officially one month to Valentine's day though, so I feel like the Winehouse phase may be perfectly timed. All will fall into place as it is meant to be. Either way, I should probably do something productive (such as finish my Ethics homework for the weekend).
-Jemma, 1/14/25
1/15/25:
"her diary is packed and her schedule the kind that would send weaker mortals running to the nearest stress clinic"
Queen World (Wide Web) - 1/15/25
Dear internet,
I just finished one of my two exams for this season, which proved incredibly easy and only took me about thirty minutes. In about an hour I will go home and chill out until I need to go to class. I've been listening a lot to this playlist I made called AFTGP2, which stands for Another Fucking Trans Girl Playlist 2. The first edition featured a lot of music from Pokemon Black 2, Technotronic, the Challengers soundtrack, Le Tigre, and the only two K-Pop songs I like. This second edition is mostly Lil' Kim, Ice Spice, Ayesha Erotica, and more Pokemon music. But yeah, been pretty down the rabbit hole with that one. If there's any dolls out there (or just kick ass girls) reading this, hope you enjoy it too. I've also been really down with the Ayesha Erotica song Celebrity. Ciao!
-Jemma, 1/15/25
1/15/25:
"her diary is packed and her schedule the kind that would send weaker mortals running to the nearest stress clinic"
Queen of Cheap Thrills - 1/16/25
Good morning my beautiful beautiful citizens of the web, it's your (somewhat) favorite webgirl and webmistress Jemma here to bring you the news. I think I'd do pretty decently as a news anchor woman. I just would need to look like I was made of plastic. I could do that! I probably won't though. But who knows? I could!
In other news, I've been getting a lot of messages, lots of followers, lots of things in general from the little community of Neocities. It's amazing to hear all this feedback and see that I truly am not writing into the void, and it's been wonderful checking out everybody's little corners of the web who have been leaving me these splendid little notes. Its great to see! Neocities has been quite the receptive place to my intentions, and I'm glad to have found it. It's my little field of sunflowers.
Wrapping up this post, towards the start of this year (last week and a little before) I was getting quite into Big Brother and the Holding Company, and yesterday at my local used shit store I found their album Cheap Thrills, which is my favorite. It's sweet! So I've been listening to that more. I do believe all thrills to be cheap. Hell, I'm just a very cheap person. I'm okay with it too, I think there's beauty in the inexpensive. Anywho, this is where I leave you dear reader. Venture on.
-Jemma, 1/16/25
1/15/25:
"her diary is packed and her schedule the kind that would send weaker mortals running to the nearest stress clinic"
A Girl and Her Spoils - 1/17/25
Hello wonderful blogirls (and readers in general), it's a beautiful day. The sun has peaked out perfectly from the forever clouds to grace the snow with its bright, and I'm here to witness. I'm just enjoying it. All that I had to struggle with has faded, and I made it! It's time to enjoy the spoils of my work, that being a moment of peace and other niceties.
And speaking of niceties, I hit the jackpot lately. Yesterday my co-worker was saying he was gettin rid of some of his old stuff, so he gave me his old X-Box360 and Wii U (which is like WHAT)!!! Its like, the coolest fucking thing. I could go on and on on this, but I'm trying to keep posts short lately. I also got some free CDs from my connections, which I'm exploring right now (starting with a Dixie Chicks CD). The only one I really knew and was excited about was a Kelly Clarkson CD, which my brother is gonna have to suffer through loll. Anyways, hope you all are having a great day out there on the internet. Byeee!!!
-Jemma, 1/17/25
1/15/25:
"her diary is packed and her schedule the kind that would send weaker mortals running to the nearest stress clinic"
Inkling Girl In A Material World - 1/19/25
Hello webjems, it's Jemma!
I feel really bad cuz I accidentally double booked myself tmrw bc I forgot I had class, so I have to cut hanging out with my friend short :(
Like, I feel really bad about it. I just need to get over it. I'm hoping class is cancelled due to weather.
But yeah, other than that, I've just been playing a shit ton of the original Splatoon for Wii U since I got that Wii U. It's super cool. I hacked the shit out of the console too so it has full online capabilities. Now I'm super tired for no reason. Anyways, have a good night yall! Stay beautiful!!
-Jemma, 1/19/25
1/21/25:
"A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle."
Jemma (Winter's Version) - 1/21/25
Good morning webjems! The day of the word (I mistyped that, but we're going with it) is positivity! Through all one must stay positive. Contemporary hapiness is decided upon by the individual.
Today I have a snow day from high school, which is very cool. Thus far I've sorted my Pokemon cards a bit (they were a mess), and played a whole bunch of Splatoon. If any of yall have Pretendo connection on ur Wii U and want 2 play me in Splatoon yall should definitely add me. I'm hoping my place of work closes today due to the snow too. If they don't that's okay, but a girl can dream, can't she?
Anyways, I hope you all have a wonderful day readers. Don't get cooked, stay off the hook!
-Jemma, 1/21/25
2/2/25:
Happy February Webjems!
January and February were Sisters Beloved - 2/2/25
Yesterday I simply could not come around to February. It felt too soon to be true, and suddenly January felt so sincerely attractive. January and her charming wit, January and her devil smile, January and her crushing heel. A heel could cut through the heart. A heel could stab through the foot. A heel could pierce the brain, lobotomizing. January and her passive beauty, yet keen cruelity. You could never trust January to be what you expected. Each of her lovers, as few as they may be, expected evil yet recieved benevolence. Her bitter cold bit their hearts, but they knew they liked it.
And now here comes February, juvenille and wild. Here comes February, January's unwanted sister. What ever shall we do with poor January in the prescence of her kin? She just seems to be so pathetic. February was the cat's pajamas. February was a crowd pleaser, an empathetic soul to all who thought they knew her. As with all to be loved by many, February had her foes, but in her over abundant love how could she let this slow her down? Only January truly despised her, everybody else only would until she got them to come around.
-Jemma, 2/2/25
2/4/25:
La la laa la la la laa
Sure Does Seem To Be - 2/4/25
It's always the worst when bad word gets round about people you know and you know it's true. You can't help but feel bad, but isn't the truth always the best? Ten people could sit in a room and all know the truth, and not say a word. It's like Jack White said; the truth doesn't make a noise. There's a certain burning tension when two know something-they both know it-but nobody says a thing. Words almost feel better melting on the tongue- but you can't leave them there too long! Let them sit and they'll slip back down your throat. We can't have that, can we?
You'd think by now we'd have some sort of medicine to cure a troubled mind. We don't! All the old folks always want a pill. Take them to the doctor to get their pills. Back ache? Pill. Heart ache? Pill. Stomach ache, tooth ache, mind ache, ache ache? Pills. Maybe I ought to try it, but I know I won't.
-Jemma, 2/4/25
2/6/25:
Back on the SVTFOE and Gravity Falls binge
Guestbook Goblins - 2/6/25
Hello webjems, it's Jemma! My faith in the internet has been restored! I've gotten two very kind messages on the guestbook, one of which made me remember why I do all this blogging stuff anymore. At first, I was always blogging to process things that were going on in my life (such as very difficult times and changing identity). Then I got all crazy about like,"Oh my God, the internet is not a safe place and I should not be sharing this much information about me on it," moment. I still mostly feel like that, and now I write a lot more in my diary, but I still like to keep up the blog as a positive and artistic space. Mel posted a message on the guestbook that warmed my heart, saying the site was refreshing and what they needed. That, my beautiful readers, is exactly what I hope this is. I want it to be that for myself, and I'm glad it's that way for others too. They also said they hope I survive to be a crazy cat lady. I hope I survive too! I love hearing from yall, it makes my day. Anyways, have a wonderful Wednesday netizens!
-Jemma, 2/6/25
2/7/25:
She's a teenage rebel, she won't do right
Teenage Rebel With Lots of Time - 2/7/25
OH MY GOD IT'S FRIDAY AHHHHHHH. Hello internet. I had like eight things I needed to go on my computer for and then I forgot all of them. Now I'm just here and I'm just writing this blog post. I desperately want to go do something today, but I have neither a clue what to do or a will to go do it. But also. I don't know. I don't know why I'm all hyped up. Maybe I'll just watch more TV. I like watching TV. Last night I was watching Shrinking and Abbott Elementary, and then yesterday morning I was watching Gravity Falls and Star vs the Forces of Evil (those two shows are my childhood). In light of this not knowing what to do, I am cleaning up space on my laptop. I have a bunch of apps and random shit I don't really use that I want to get off of here. I'll probably also move a bunch of stuff to my hard drive. I'm also thinking about buying a second hard drive to have a double back up in case my hard drive breaks, or atleast an sd card. I should really just print all my photos, but if I do that I want to scrap book them really nicely, and that is a bigger project. For that I must plan. Anyways, I think I'm close to hitting max capacity blog post. Yall r the best, stay that way! Byeee!
-Jemma, 2/7/25
2/7/25:
She's a teenage rebel, she won't do right
Dirt Bomb - 2/8/25
It doesn't take too much to really burn out, but in a real hot way. It's like digging your car into the side of a dirty snowbank, but knowing you're alright, or swerving it in a 360 on the road and just hitting the road back again. Tomorrow I work, the next day who knows what. Today I did a lot but so little. Tonight I might drink a little less than half a liter of Cherry Cola and watch a movie or something. For now I'm crashed out on the couch and about to eat (hopefully) half a pizza. This is the side of my soul I bare to the internet today.
-Jemma, 2/8/25
2/10/25:
And upon these facts I reflect, knowing nobody else will
Weary - 2/10/25
Who really knows? I don't. There's so much I don't ever know. There's so much information for now that I take forgranted, a million thoughts and whispers, all of which future me will dig for like a needle in a haystack. Needlessly and relentlessly I'll sift and sort through what I think will reveal my thoughts, only to fail, as it is is like searching for a needle in a haystack. Needle in a haystack.
I don't feel that I ask you, the readers, very much very often. What I ask of you today is to try and remember. Don't try and remember in a feeling or frenzy, but rather a fact. Recall what happened, even if you can't. I try, but I cannot succeed. I say I cannot, but I know that marginally I have. Marginally I recover and replace thoughts. I must remember this is just what I need. This is what I will need. This is where I leave you my beloved readers. Open your eyes and let the sunshine in, even if you cannot see it.
-Jemma, 2/10/25
2/11/25:
Today my hair is perfect and my soul is burning
Excerpt from Diary - 2/12/25
There's a certain mystique in the air, or perhaps my mind. There's a certain question on my tongue, although I'll never ask.
I know now that these are the documents, the ancient texts of tomorrow, of which I will someday search for clues of a no longer modern day. I write in the high and crazy times of twenty twenty five, a time of great change and growth. I come to this page in the first half of the twenty first century, the dawn of a century and the midst of a decade.
-Jemma, 2/12/25
2/15/25:
The radiance of the sun is nothing without the lumninescense of the Moon
On a more personal note.. - 2/16/25
The past two days have been two of the best following some of the not the best. It's been great. Yesterday was the equivilent of prom to me, for a high school dance. I got to wear what I want (a beautiful sparkly dress, full face of makeup, high ass heels, and fish nets), because I'm literally just a girl. All around me people accepted me and treated me like I was just another one of the girls. It was everything I wanted, and it went amazing. It was the best experience I've ever had at a school dance. In the past, loneliness and harassment followed me round every corner. This year I was safe and thriving. I say it is like prom for me because it provided all this. Prom won't be the same, but I will remember this as the dance to keep close to my heart, the ideal, and the official centerpiece of my high school experience.
-Jemma, 2/16/25
2/17/25:
She ain't got no money / Her clothes are kinda funny / Her hair is kinda wild and free
good riddance - 2/17/25
its really easy to reflect on a moment when you know it was bad, but you thought it was what you wanted. when the moment was everything, and changed everything, but nearly ended everything. when you compromise it all for poison. do you remember a time before the red, purple, and blue? of course you dont. you werent there, reader. i wasn't hardly either. all i feel of it is a dull, flat pain. that summer changed me. no matter where i run to 2023 was the year everything changed. i faced changes in 2024 too, just different. there were two blue rooms, one theirs neither mine. there was a tv only to play static, and a carpet to make you crazy. there was posters on the walls. there were eyes and ears too. i was told to pull over the car. the vomit hit the ground, and i took the blame. there were two blue rooms before the school year you. there were two blue rooms. soon the summer Fell to Fall, and i began to Get up and Run, only 2 b Watched. 2 b Watched on my own site. 2 have 2 Change it 2. 2 run, and Be found. now, theres just 2 blue rooms and a couple of photographs.
-Jemma, 2/17/25
2/19/25:
don't worry so much, you're a flower, girl
Love, for which I am Thankful - 2/19/25
I was hesitant at first to welcome in the breath of [love]'s air, but now it's romantic buzz entoxicates my tongue. I had sneaking suspicions of what was left unsaid, but seeing it in action was something else. It feels as though all has been exposed, and a new dynamic has been added to the mix. Alas, this is [a day after days past], and much has happened since. Luckily it['s only a day] before once again I am greeted by my love's soft tongue and soothing smile. No matter what is said it is only us who can define [that] which we have found. We are the ones who live it, control it, and breath it. It is our[s], we spoke it into existence. It is said that we love for God loved us first, but I believe that God is the love. Love is the greatest. Love is the strongest. Love, as they say, conquers all. It is love, God, I have found with this Goddess.
Excerpt from diary entry February second, 2025. Edited for relevance.
-Jemma, 2/19/25
2/19/25:
don't worry so much, you're a flower, girl
The Descent - 2/20/25
I can kind of feel my reality slipping. Although the blog may not show it, I've been writing a lot. Usually I just write at school, but yesterday I even did at home. I've been writing a lot of really me shit so I've been keeping it off the blog. I mean, all of the posts I make on here I still really personal, but they're usually quite cryptic. I haven't done one of these posts in a few days I think. Or, not days, but posts. It's been a few posts. I'm sort of thinking of adding some stuff back to the site. First off, maybe a little button marquee on the bottom. I've kind of cut off from connection with other sites since I did this update (aside from three friends). If you subscribe to the belief of a lot of old web and retro webbers (such as melonking), you'd believe that this is bad. You need to have that connection. I think there's something liminal and beyond all about web dead ends. It's like you've reached the end, and it brings you to ask what next. I also have other ideas for the site, but first I need to come back to reality. My creative process has been a bit strong. I'll see you tomorrow?
-Jemma, 2/20/25
2/21/25:
i'll be in the car driving to a dumb wedding on halloween >:/
Abscence - 2/21/25
I'm sure I had something I was gonna write about today on the blog. I wrote a seven page chronicle in my diary. That took a lot of my morning. It was really valid for processing. Someone also suggested I might be experiencing bouts of psychosis with my spurts of dysphoric dissociation dereilty shit. It's almost eleven o'clock and I'm tired. My hands smell like acetone and my arms are chilled. I really should sleep but this music is intoxicating me. I need it like a drug. I want to quit it and just go to bed, but I just need to take it. I wait for the day of independence from this house. My room seems like a safe haven, but even within these walls I'm under their rule, and the rule of the world around me. I guess I'll never escape the walls of social reality. My friend worded it better than I ever could. I've been doing pretty consistent blog posts, web. Maybe once again I become dependent on your unreturned gaze. You are only ears, and when you talk back it's someone else. It's not you internet. I wish I could trust you like I used to, but I've replaced you with my diary, but I guess I can keep slipping you morsels. It can't hurt.
-Jemma, 2/21/25
3/1/25:
Hihi! I'm back my webjems!
My Abscence - 3/1/25
Hihi! As many of you readers may have noticed, the site has been down since the 21st. I was going through a brief three day patch of derealization and then knew something had to change. The change isn't quite done yet. I have a good bit of reformatting I want to do with how I present this home page and the blog portion. I have added a good number of pages back to the site. I'm trying to recover the homeiness that the site had before I crashed it out in late December. This is still part of the Sunflower site, but I'm done limiting my blog posts, and I'm done depersonalizing and cryptifying. This site is a raw piece of me, a beating heart and a bleeding limb. A face like no other. More change is yet to come. Thank you readers for returning. You aren't the reason I'm here, but I always welcome your gaze.
-Jemma, 3/1/25
3/2/25:
Watching the Oscars :P
My Return! - 3/2/25
Hellos internet, it's Jemma, and I'm back and betterish than ever! Yesterday I launched the majority of the site's new updates, but I didn't launch the complete new blog (which you see here). This page used to be called the blog archive, but now I just call it the blog. I'm excited to today launch this new format of the blog, and the home made background quilt texture. This quilt resides on my bed. It is from my late grandmother whom I loved so much.
I'd like to explain why I've brought back so many elements of the site. Yesterday I said how the first half of the Sunflower update (which I launched in late December) was "depersonalizing and cryptifying". This isn't wrong. I did intentionally cut down on myself on the site. Now I'm coming to understand that this makes no sense. This is a personal site, and a personal blog. While I can regard my privacy and safety, I can't take down the old blogs forever. They're on the wayback machine. I also can't pretend to be something I'm not, and hide myself. Like what was starting to happen then there would be no blog. I want there to be a blog. This is why I won't be limiting myself.
Also I wanted to note that around this time last year I had just changed the site to the purple update of the site. I didn't realize this until far after I decided there needed to be a change (which happened around my derealization episode from the 19th to the 21st, and carried on in reactivity in days following till now ish). Maybe its something in the air around this time of year.
I'm watching the Oscars right now. I'm gonna get going, I also want to go eat a cookie. BUT ALSO BEFORE I GO I'D LIKE TO SAY I INTERVIEWED CHANDLER OF POCHEMUCHKA FOR AN INTERVIEW FOR ERIK HOUDINI'S SITE AND I'M ALSO GONNA B HOSTING THE INTERVIEW ON MY SITE! STAY TUNED, IT DROPS WEDNESDAY!! Okay, byeee!!!! Stay lovely webjems.
-Jemma, 3/1/25
3/3/25:
I wanna watch TV real badd
Seventeen - 3/3/25
I often find myself yearning to be home, occasionally even when I am. Right now, and possibly the rest of the day will be like this. I'm really excited to hang out with my friend, but I'm also yearning to be home. Once I am home I'm gonna have work I must do, and this will last me quite a while and I'll be too tired to take part in activities I'd like to by the time I'm done. Instead I'll probably do my little workout (gotta stay snatched and such). Then I might watch an episode of AP Bio or two. I really want to finish watching the last episodes of Serial Expiriments Lain, which I've been going crazy about. Friday I watched the first half of the anime (about four episodes), but then decided to slow down as I wanted to savor something so good. I am excited though to hang out with my friend. I'm also really happy with how the site is right now. It feels more me than ever (which is what I've said almost every update). That doesn't discredit it though. I am ever evolving and ever growing. I allow myself to change, and it is beautiful. Anyways, that's enough garbage talk. I've got life to live and things to do (and hopefully soon) TV to watch. Byeee webjems!!
-Jemma, 3/3/25
3/4/25:
The chorus >
Love Lain for this intro
And You Don't Seem To - 3/4/25
Heyyy webjems, it's your favorite webmistress and internet bitch Jemma. I have a good amount of things I need to do (finish D&D character sheet, finish editing article, school project, work, band practice), but I'm not too worried. I also have the theme song from Lain stuck in my head on and off today. It's really good. I've been coming across media I'm kinda invested in. First Single Drunk Female in January, then kind of a lull in February (but I did get into some new music with Fem&m and Femtanyl). I guess that was more at the end of January I got into that. So idk why February was such a lull in media, probably just cuz I was busy and had a lot going on. OHHHH also there was that thing that happened in February that kinda sunk me under. After that though, like right at the end of the month I found Lain. Then towards the end as well I started AP Bio. Now I got this manga that I started today called Until the Full Moon. Lain is kind of making me give anime and manga a second chance (which I haven't considered since Middle School). It's been four years since I've seriously sat down and watched anime or read manga. I used to be obsessed. Not with anything good, just with general shit like Naruto, Fairy Tail, and One Piece. Middle School was weird, but High School's been something else. Anyways, I'm gonna go eat a mango from my friend. Peace out blogirls!
-Jemma, 3/4/25
3/5/25: I don't wanna go to class lol
Stay Cool - 3/5/25
Today is an interesting day. The weather's not too hot, but my soul's not too cold. A cool flowing river of air runs across my skin. Every hair on my body stands in it's path. Anger once ravished this flesh. Now contentment strikes with hunger. It's alright. Almost there.
I hope you webjems are having a good morning, or the best morning you can. I really don't want to go to my college class (I don't want to drive). I also had a dream last night that I ran out of gas in the middle of the road last night, and somehow my car got taken to the nearest gas station. The issue? I wasn't in it. I had to walk all the way there. Luckily a father and his children picked me up and I hitchhiked to the gas station. Now it seems there's no issue there, but there is. I was late for school. I awoke this morning after this dream in a strange sense of urgency. I also lost an important key to an important drawer this morning. I shaved my legs, and it was very rough. I'm kinda cool with all this though. I know it'll work out one way or another. I'm also excited because things are changing for the better for me at work, and I have a job possibly lined up. I'm also checking in with another employer possibly. Maybe this Summer I'll have two jobs (really outdo myself). I guess that is usually my move; overworking myself. Seems to be the move of quite a few people on Neocities. Also, today at some point my interview with the webmaster of Pochemuchka is dropping on erikhoudini.com. I've been aquainted with Erik for a good minute now, and it's cool to have a weekly feature on his site. I might also host the interview on my site, but I really am sick of coding new pages right now. I might be reformatting the posts here, or making it easier to navigate atleast. Also I think the interview(s) are gonna be published in a physical zine, so that'll be neat. Anyways, I aught to get going and actually do something I'm suposed to be doing. I did accomplish everything I said I needed to do on yesterday's post though, so I'm alright. Stay cool webjems, and thanks for reading!!
-Jemma, 3/5/25
3/6/25:
Feeling quite lovely, and I hope you do too!
BeatleMania (Love, Love Me Do) - 3/6/25
Hello blogirls and webjems, and good morning. As of right now I'm in my Design Arts class. There's a poster that I should be working on, but we're working on it in Canva. I hate Canva. Maybe I'm just being a snob and it's because I worked in photoshop in the past (which is much better). Ah photoshop. Photoshop is such a lovely platform. I really like all their inovations and things. It's a real learning curve, but once you've got it, by God, you've got it. I'm currently listening to The Beatles biggest commercial failure (and literally contractually required album) Yellow Submarine. I'm just listening to the orchestral parts of it (which is all but four songs). As much as I think I'm not like super in love with The Beatles, they're always in my top artists and I come back to them a lot. I have been listening to them since early childhood (like many). I started with the songs my Mother and Father would play. Once I got my MP3 player I decided to get some of their albums from the library and rip the files on my Mom's computer and throw 'em on there. This was fifth grade, and I got The Magical Mystery Tour, Abbey Road, and Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. I liked the surrealistic aspects of those albums (specifically Sgt. Pepper's and Mystery Tour). From this time until I stopped listening to them so much in Middle School I listened to these albums of theirs. I also got into 1 a little bit, because this is what my parents played quite a bit. I remember the week that Spotify got access to The Beatles catalog. That was wild feeling.
Around late Middle School and Early High School I got back into them. I had been listening to a lot of Chuck Berry and other early rock n roll and blues the Summer between, and I had sort of sworn off the odd sounds of late Beatles, but I forgot about their early stuff. Around this time my brother was also getting really into them. I ripped into A Hard Day's Nght. My Mom had always played it when I was a kid, and it was perfect for looking out the window in longing. I really was getting into it. Then I let them go after that year, and actually around the time of the Red Blog I got back in. I was drawn in from listening to Siouxie and the Banshees' cover of Helter Skelter. I also got a double album record of theirs for very little money, the compilation Rock 'n' Roll Music. Damn, I forgot I have that. It's a good listen. It's a shame it isn't on Spotify. But yeah, getting this inspired me to make a playlist titled Rockin' Beatles. This all got me back in again. There's a cool vibe. It's interesting because they cover so much ground that I can always seem to find something to fit my vibe, whether that's trans euphoria, liminal depression, hard fast rock n roll, smooth love songs, or whatever fuckery I'd like. I have a similar playlist to the Rockin' Beatles of Charlie Rich titled Rockin' Rich. I truly am a Beatles girly. Maybe I should get a shirt.
Okay, that's enough Beatles talk for today. I hope you lovely readers are having a wonderful day, no matter the circumstance. Byee!
-Jemma, 3/6/25
3/7/25:
Lalalalalalalalalalaaa
Media - 3/7/25
Hey blog, today I'm doing well! It is going to be a really good day. I feel a hope for the future. I've been working a lot, but it's nice to know it is all going to pay off. I have the right to go for what I want, no matter how silly it is. Right now I'm listening to a playlist I made (gotta check real quick) in November. That's kind of what I thought. It has kind of Summery vibes. Kind of nostalgic too. At lunch I'm going to hang out with my friend and her friend in her car. It's really chill. I'm glad to have friends, and very thankful. Gratefulness is the sunshine of my life. This morning has been really chill. I finished a project I've been working on for a class, and then started journaling a little bit. Then I went to my next hour and had a really easy assignment, so after I kind of just hung out-and took care of my new Tamagotchi! My co-worker gave it to me because he said he killed it too many times. I should probably check on it...
Okay, it's still doing well. I haven't named it yet, or given it official pronouns, but if you lovely readers have any ideas you should drop them in the guestbook. I started reading this book, Girlmode this morning. The main girl is pretty dorky- and about like a Star Wars bootleg- but I think I'll be able to get around it. She's just so shy so far and giving up these great opportunities to hang out with this dorky guy that is like so into her. I just think maybe she should look around more before taking that path immediately. I also have been working my way through Aquamarine. I really like it, it's pretty cheesy, but I like mermaids and I like the vibe. Especially with it being March. March can be as nice as I make it, I need to remember that for all the months. We're only seven days in (a holy number), so I'm gonna turn my mindset and love March for what I want it to be! Anyways, I'm excited to go home and enjoy myself tonight. First night off in a minute! Have a wonderful afternoon blogirls! Byeeeeeeee!
-Jemma, 3/7/25
3/10/25:
the future is bright
Need Not Fret - 3/10/25
Heyy blogirls and webjems, it's Jemma. This day is going to be a good day, and so is this week. I am keeping a positive attitude. I'm oddly excited for work today. It'll be very dead, which is almost a zen state. Not much going on, I can just wander and mind my own business. I had a really good weekend. I worked, I went on a little thing and figured out probably what college I want to go to. I also watched a good bit of TV (another episode of Lain, my Pokemon Advanced Battles dvds I got for a dollar, and AP Bio) and got to play video games (Pokemon Shuffle, Pokemon Ultra Sun, and Super Princess Peach DS). I need not worry about the days to come. All will be well, and all that is meant to happen will.
Today I plan to turn to introspect. Something about it tells me to. It's that or I needlessly worry about the days ahead, but why do those have to be the options? I don't know, that is for the reflections of my diary. I need not get overwhelmed, and neither do you. I hope you all have a wonderful Monday. Mondays have an unapreciated beauty to them. Does one not view them as a fresh start? A new day to begin a new week? The Mayans viewed each new day as a complete fresh start. I strive to see it that way. Go be beautiful webjems.
-Jemma, 3/10/25
3/13/25:
Frankly pissed off, but shouldn't be
Hey, Whatever - 3/13/25
Today's blog post is one of classic teenage angst that would fit better in the Red version of the site. Maybe even purple, which was almost a year (but feels like a decade) ago. So fitting of those old ones. There's this big thing I promised I'd do tomorrow and Saturday, kind of a charity thing. I really don't wanna do it because it's something that used to be me, but now isn't really. Maybe it's just that I need to get out of this town, which I will in five-ish months. Five months. Five sweet months. I was gonna write about something very specific, and then I forgot.
I've been quite busy, so my media binge has paused. I did finish the first volume of Until the Full Moon it was good. A little confusing, but I enjoyed it. The first manga I've actually finished since Middle School. I'm going to start reading the second volume today, and then the next comic on my list I wanna read is New Girl comic (that is not related to the show). I've always been the new girl. Or atleast in a way. I'm not one of those kids that switches schools every year or two, but I switched in the middle of Elementary, then after Middle School. It's like in Miitopia when your Mii gathers a party and then gets taken from the party right as they're getting close or stronger. That's not to say I'm not close with anyone. I have a best friend, I have a girlfriend, and I have plenty of close friends. There's lots of people I'm friends with. I'm a social person, but I have the capabilities to be a shut-in. I just have gotten moved more than someone that goes to the same school district all their life, and I'm not complaining. I think I thrive in being a little bit unknown. I latch onto a few people in different groups, and overtime everyone gets to know eachother and then they're like,"Oh, you know her too?". That's when it gets weiird. Like, there's structures of people knowing eachother. I don't really know what I'm getting at, but I think it'll be good for me to be the new girl again.
Back on media though, I also finished reading the comic Girlmode, and frankly it made me feel worse about being a transgirl. I know this isn't the goal, and there were a good few parts that were pretty good and funny, but it also had a bunch that made me feel worse. It was also very cynical in a way. Like, an underlying tone, even though above it was suposed to be positive. I think it's still a good read though for understanding a piece of the transfem experience. But, I think it's more of a "I already have finished a good deal of transitioning and am on HRT and am getting tits" story, where as this is only a part of the process. Maybe I'm being too critical. Reads like Us are better for a full trans experience story, or even reading Until the Full Moon feels better, because the lover is accepting no matter what the main character Marlo is as he sort of transitions. I could get into the details, but you can just go read it for yourself if you want that. I also finished watching Aquamarine and LOVED it. And my girlfriend found a magic wand at the park yesterday, which is super cool and sparkly. I gotta look ahead of what is in front of me and see the beauty of the future rather than be stuck in the grit of the now. There is so much beauty ahead, the sun shines. Five sweet months, and only two-ish of the real rough stuff (which isn't even that rough). I guess we all go through it sometimes though, but it'll never be as wack as it was. I hope you readers have been well the past few days, and hope to see you all again soon. Ciao!
-Jemma, 3/13/25
3/17/25:
It's been a minute! :)
yikers - 3/17/25
Hello webjems, it has certainly been a few days. Four to be precise! A lot has gone on, and I've been busy most every day, but now it feels as though a little stress is off my chest. Today I rushed out the door per usual to an unusual snowfall on the ground. i still feel like I'm rushing, even though I have no need. It's not like today will be difficult. I'm excited to rest. I also started looking for a roommate last night, and it seems to be going well.
I had to pause writing this post because life happens, yknow. I think I had work to do, but now I'm back into procrastinating. I mean, I call it procrastinating, but I have most of my work done. I just have to measure some artwork.
Anyways, I can't really promise that there will be more frequent blog posts. This page might be fading. I've thought a lot about starting a different site, but I'd need to essentially like write a rule set for myself. It'd basically be starting over as a completely uknown site again (not that I'm known, but I've just had the site up for over a year). I don't know how people are able to keep a site consistantly for so many years. I always could just take an extended break. Put up a page thats like "be back soon". For now, I'm just gonna keep doing inconsistant blog posts. I think I'm just so tired right now from such a long weekend that I don't feel like anything. I don't know how I'm gonna get to work tonight, but I will do it. Hopefully I'll get back on top of it. It's not like my life is falling apart, I actually have a lot together, more than I have in past weeks. Anyways, I'm gonna go b4 I spiral online. Byee girlies!
-Jemma, 3/17/25
3/25/25:
"Go easy on yourself," I tell myself.
Where is myself? - 3/25/25
Hello readers. I know it's been a while. I disapeared from the web again. I mean, I guess it makes sense with the title of the site. I just have been abysmally busy. I had some of the best and some of the most stressful days. That's okay though, life is a flow. Life is a balance. I find that I'm starting to lose myself in my business. I drown myself in thing after thing after thing. That's why today I'm giving myself a break after school. I'm going to go home and rest. My sleep has been minimal as of late too, and I almost always feel like I'm falling asleep. This may be my own fault. It may not. I know not the true reason for it all. Perhaps I am the root of all my problems. That is what I used to believe, but I've since changed, and I must keep changing. I struggle with retaining pieces of myself and changing. Both are necessary, but balance is hard to achieve. How do I know what to keep? How do I know what to leave what behind? I know not why I wake in the wee hours of the morning. It's evolved from three to one. I must stay positive about myself, and not forget to love and apreciate myself and those around me. I have a wonderful support network surrounding me, and I think I take it forgranted. I must be grateful, or all will disappear. I must reciprocate. I also need to be a little easier on myself. This is why I've been staying off the blog. These are diary thoughts. It's so easy to get overwhelmed by it all, and I believe that it what I have done, but all will be well in the end.
-Jemma, 3/25/25
3/31/25:
Been gone, don't know when I'll be back
Excerpt from Diary, 1/31/25 - 3/31/25
I find myself often in a strange predicament; to be known, yet unknown; being heard, but not understood. They say actions speak louder than words, but deaf ears could never hear. They say all is well that ends well, but [it] feels like it will never end.
I'm a name without a face, a body without a soul. I'm a person to be limited to a place, but to some not even a thing. I'm a noun unpropper, for the ease of statistics. I'm a number, and sometimes I don't mind it. Whats wrong with that? Why can't I just boil myself down to a fraction of a human. I dare to argue to myself that it would be easier, knowing it'd only [kill me].
Maybe I'm weak, but I know that's not true. Maybe I'm strong, but I'll never believe it. Maybe I know, but I'm sure I'll doubt it [...] maybe I'll pick up my pen and stab through the American flag [...]
-Jemma, 3/31/25
4/1/25:
Everybody says I have this vibe, but they never tell me what it is..
Excerpt from Diary, 2/28/25 - 4/1/25
It's been a few days. Not particularly rough days. Theres been good happening. I don't know why I feel this [way]. I keep living. I keep doing what I know I must. I even have been doing things for fun [when I get a chance]. I know one thing, [...] I'll pull myself up. I know I can, and I know I'm capable.
I feel less disosciated than I did [the past few days]. I'm just still not all the way there. I get this feeling like that I want to be entirely [non-existent], but I know that won't solve my problems.
[...]
It's been raining on and off, not too much. [...] Rain makes me feel gross. I can't even remember anything. [...] there's just nothing. Literally nothing. No memories. [I] try and piece it together. [I can't.]
-Jemma, 4/1/25
4/15/25:
The crisis obviously..
Hi - 4/15/25
Hi readers. As some of you may have noted the blog has been dead since the start of the month. I'd appologize, but frankly it's my blog and I can kind of do whatever I want. I feel justified to do whatever I will with it, and I urge other bloggers to do the same. This does not mean I feel good myself about leaving it empty. I was in a bit of an interesting mental situation towards the start of the month, and then I went on a trip to a far off land for a good weekish. Upon my return I hit the ground running with getting back into my life, and now I'm finally here. I've drafted a few blog posts since on random off moments and off days the past two weeks (yes, it's been two weeks since the last post! Last year's me would be disapointed, but I do not write for her, I write for me). None of the posts I was starting to write seemed to stick in my mind. They don't even stick now. I'm not sure what it is. Hopefully this one will and I will publish it. Part of me wishes I did abandon the blog at the end of last August, just shy of a year of it's conception. In the future I'll probably agree, and I'll also be sure to disagree.
Even the last few blog posts have been non-traditional (to my jemmaontheweb standards), and rather excerpts of my diary from past months. A lot of what I used to write in the blog now goes in there.
Perhaps I'll go back to posting on here. Perhaps not. I'm thinking about devising a new layout for the site, or way of doing it. Right now it's sort of a patchwork of every version. I used to keep the archives as stagnant pieces that you could visit from a site landing port. The newest edition is a quilted living form of each site passed. I'm thinking of a way to integrate all the blogs, and host earlier 2025 months' posts again (as I had been taking them down). I think my taking posts down commodified the blog posts, and took it all out of context. While hosting all my blog posts since September 2023 is very exposing, I'd rather all of that exist within context than not. There is no option for it not to exist, as once you release something on the web it never goes away. For this reason my mind has run weary of it, but I hope to cool my nerves and calm my ailments if I reaproach the blog. We will see. Stay beautiful readers.
-Jemma, 4/15/25
4/18/25:
Maybe I do remember this weather last year
Future - 4/18/25
Hello readers, my beloveds. Today it rains, not as if there's no tomorrow, but rather an outburst. It happened, and now it's gone. I must remember to not think too deep, to float upon the water. To skim it. Enjoy the sight of it's depths but not to sink to low. Maybe take a dip every now and then, but to come up for air. Air is what fills our lungs and fuels our lives. In a world that I believe to have so few needs air is one. Water too. Of course, water unlike air is on of those "too much of a good thing is a bad thing" needs. Our body takes care of how much air we need naturally, water we regulate ourselves. This is important. We regulate how deep we stride. Our bodies trust us too, and in turn we must not abuse their trusts.
I currently live in a very conservative area of America. Even over democratic periods of presidency it is this way, but it feels more muted. I don't like to be political on the blog, but I think I'm going to run more details to this. I don't like to be political unless it's personal. Some would argue that seeing as I have a platform I should use to to spread awareness, politics, etc. It is my platform though, and I will do as I will with it. If choosing to be unlike many other Neocities sites in this way is what I choose to do, so be it.
But, now I see it in my personal space. As the area was already conservative, but the wider culture was not. Due to this, people within my age group who leaned more conservative but were not die hard conservatives would keep their beliefs that were against other races, ethnicities, cultures, and queers to themselves. As the wider political culture has changed to align with this I have seen/heard more of this. This is not great, but for me there is a brighter part. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. For college I will be moving to a less conservative area. This was not planned, it just worked out that way. The college had everything I wanted. It was on the less expensive side (which for colleges is still expensive), a good distance (but not too far) from home, and had the programs I wanted for my degree (History major, Graphic Design minor, and then I'll be going elsewhere for my MLIS degree). I'm so ready to get out. I am so reaedy. Of course, I'll also be missing people from this are that I'm close with that I'll have to leave behind. There's plusses and minusses, but a grand majority of plusses. The future is bright.
-Jemma, 4/18/25
4/20/25:
dont you remember?
cross - 4/20/25
my room smells of cigarettes and antiquity; a thousand tiny spores of mold and dust and a craft store candle binded together with the smells of my own being.
each piece of me sprawls across the floor as my eyes begin to itch. i know its april, but my soul begs august or october. a cold rain and memories of bleachers after a football game. in the moment it feels as though there will be no story to be told, but the story has already been written and at once will begin again. the narrative has unfolded and the final cover begins to close. a fifth volume begins. volume four; split to four books, each of three chapters. volume three; three books, three chapters each. volume two; six chapters. volume one; one whole.
imperfect skin leaks perfect emotions. a perfect moment is recrafted like fine porcelain out of broken bits; it will sit upon my mind's shelf to be wondered upon forever, or atleast as long as im able to remember.
childhood's shame will always remain, but its memory forever fades.
-Jemma, 4/20/25
4/21/25:
I'm nothing if not a blogirl
Sister - 4/21/25
I feel the brush of Spring's breeze on my shoulders and know of course that it is time. It is time for change, as it perpetually is. This is not a longing for change as January, December, or late November, but rather change in action. My spirit takes to the sky like a bird to the sky, and in my body feel the Earth move under my feet. The new creation has come: the old has gone, the new is here. Or atleast, it is to be here soon. May lays only ten days away, but today I don't yearn for it as I have been. Today I live in the off-white midwest sunrise; a sunrise promising long grey skies.
I'm nothing if not a blogirl. I'm nothing if not overdramaticizing my teenage life to my glorious readers. I see all and write so little, a flurry of memories wrapping my mind. Each one burns through to my soul. I stare upon the halls of my mind a smile up my sleeve. A smile that can mean so little and so much. A smile for every occasion. How could I take myself serious?
-Jemma, 4/21/25
4/22/25:
It's probably better this way.
Forgotten Diary - 4/22/25
This morning as I was gathering stuff for school I knew that I was forgetting something; it was my diary. Thereore, prepare for a possibly very extended blog post. Lately I've been writing madly in my diary, and by lately I mean the past sixish months. I've written over one hundred or two hundred pages of my thoughts and such. What I used to put in the blog I started putting into my diary for safe keeping. I've become attatched to my diary. I've become a part of it, practically inside of it. I need to pull myself out.
Side note, it'd be so much easier to write this blog post if my F key of my chromebook wasn't being annoying. I keep hitting it and it doesn't put the letter down.
Anyways, all I need is the month of May. I've written whole love letters to the month, and I await it's return. My heirarchy of needs is begining to be clear to me. The foundation is moving out of this town. Once I move out I'll be free from my parents' pointed comments and my community's atmosphere. Everything I need I will find for myself. I had more to say but it was definitely more diary material than blog post (which is probably good that I forgot my diary at home, because then I can't spiral). I try to keep myself from spiraling online, on the blog. Sometimes my efforts are futile, but I try and I'd say I try my best. Anyways blog people, soon I'll look back to this post and will see it in line with the next and the next and the next till it reaches the beautiful present. The linear progression of things getting better will be clear. Have a wonderful day my blogirls.
-Jemma, 4/22/25
4/23/25:
So much that I must do
Only in the Movies, Part 1 - 4/23/25
I am realizing now that I have discovered one of the core and defining experiences of my past two years, the last half of highschool have been detailed with uniquity. I've lived seemingly a unique experience working at my local movie theater. Seeing as I've been able to find no similar thing on the internet with a few surface level google searches, and nothing at the library with glances at the shelves, I'd like to try and capture this experience on my website. This has been a goal since the Summer of '24 a little bit, but now I'd just like to share pieces of my experiences. I'll probably do this in a series of blog posts, not just this first one, and if I do I will probably synthesize it into one larger essay when complete.
With that said, I'd like to preface this with what to expect of this story. This story is one of hauntings, one of anemoia, one of lonely walks through the dark and flashing lights. This is a story of visions in the nothing. This is a story of derealization, dissosciation, and circling all the way back. This is a tale of midwestern grey days and their counterpart; sweaty Summer sun beating in from windows up above.
Our story begins when a friend of mine (now one of my two besties, but then only a friend) suggested I apply for a job at the local theater where they worked. I needed a job so I could afford gas for my car and such, so naturally I applied. I got the job at the interview.
This is where the foundations of the lore are laid. Symbols that would carry on for the rest of this ongoing story. I dated one of my co-workers (when they say you shouldn't do so, they goddamn mean it). This movie theater job I quickly realized was gonna be messy. The management was laid back to the point of destruction, the building was falling apart, and the way the shows were laid out led to excessive down time for an overstaffed facility. For those who don't know, for a small theater such as ours shows run in waves. A couple movies will start over a period of an hour or a few unless there's a huge film like Barbenheimer, Deadpool, the Eras Tour, Inside Out Two, and others of the sort. That means that between those waves you have a bunch of time (a movie's length often) to clean up the place. Once you're done, you can socialize. In this case, that has led to social heirarchy, cliques, several relationships, friendships, and other discord. I used to let this play more of a part in my experience, but since '23 and early '24 I haven't. After I broke up with my ex I've stayed clear of any and all social workings of the theater as I genuinely do not care. I am there to work. If I make friends, that is cool. If I don't, I still get paid.
Anyways, that makes for a good start to the story. I figure I'll be thinking about this a lot seeing as I got a total of 22 hours next week, and I already am thinking about it a lot. This story is one that I think (for myself atleast) needs to be told, and this blog, this place on off the web is dedicated to myself I supose. Stay tuned for more my beloved readers.
-Jemma, 4/23/25
4/29/25:
Don't you DARE ask where this positivity comes from, just enjoy it.
This is the stuff - 4/29/25
I haven't posted for a minute, but here I am. Why fret about the time spent gone when one can enjoy the time back. I've been off doing quite a lot. Somebody hit my car too, so I've been a little bit more dependent on others for things like rides. Luckily I have a solid support network that is carrying me through the troubles of this moment. I'm honestly feeling better than I have all month. I still feel a little hesitant to accept the good feelings within my soul, but why question it. Why question the good when you can just accept it for what it is. I don't claim to have a perfect philosophy, but I do know what is good for me deep within, and it is time to move on from any harsh feelings right now. Right now is a time for celebration. So much positive change is to come, and that is worth celebrating. So much positive change has been set into motion by myself and others. That is well worth celebrating too. Even the positivity of the moment is worth celebrating.
Also, for those who kept up with the last blog post; I do plan to carry on the story which I began, but now is not the time for that. I will say though I am feeling quite like I did Sophomore year in a way, as I had no car and had a new job on the horizon. Things just feel very much that way. Maybe I'm the one doing that, but I really do feel it. I'm also probably going to write a piece for my creative writing class on the Summer of '23. If you've been with the blog for a while, like a long long while, you've probably heard a decent bit about that Summer. Or, if you know me or have known me since or did know me during you've seen and heard. I'm not talking about the later portion -or even middle- of that Summer, but rather the beginings. The April air fading to the May. The lovely month of May.
Speaking of the lovely month of May, I'm trying to recover all the blog posts that I took down at the end of each of the first two months of the year, and late December. I think that'll make things feel better in a way. There won't be that gap. It'll feel good to welcome those parts of myself back here, no matter how hard they might have been. It's part of acceptance, and part of being positive about it. Some parts may have been rough, but the gold within shines brighter than anything else. The best weekend of my year was burried in there. This year of highschool has been like nothing else. It's been rich with self improvement, supporting friends at football games and having fun, hangouts, birthdays, celebrations, lasts and finals, new things, and all else. Even if it's been hard I think I would do it again. I think I would do it all over.
But yeah, I'm also thinking about adding a new page just for works of creative writing and poetry on the site. No promises though! Anyways, see yall later!
-Jemma, 4/29/25
4/30/25:
It's a beautiful world.
The Happenings - 4/30/25
Good morning blogirls. I hope yall were able to wake up on time, I was not. I overslept by about fifteen minutes. It's okay though, because it wasn't anything dramatically bad. I was right in the middle of a dream that I was at the mall, but me and my friend were trying to get to class. She asked to borrow some money to buy something (I think it was perfume or something), but I said no. She heard me say yes and said thankyou and demanded the money. I said no again, because I never said yes. Then I woke up late.
But yeah, this morning my mind is not super heavy or full, but a bit overthinky because I'm a little tired. I've been going to school for seven hours, then going straight to work for five, making for a full 12 hour day. Thankfully, neither school nor work have been very difficult as of late. It's just taxing because of time consumption. It's all good though, I don't mind. Things are going pretty good. Things are going pretty good. I really can't complain. Even after work yesterday I hung out with a little group of friends. It was nice. One of them bought me icecream, which was awesome. I'm thankful for my friends, I don't know where I'd be without them. I can't wait to spend time with all of them this Summer. I'm also thankful for my various role models that I've found that make the future feel bright. I'm glad I'm going into a field with creative flexibility, yet relative stability.
Anyways, this has been a whole lot of rambling. As for site updates, I started working to make the poetry page yesterday. It's not finished, nor is it operational, but it's getting there. I really want to keep up with uploading those deleted blog posts, but like I've been saying I've been quite busy with my work and school (I sort of count school as my work too, it's my main job). I feel like I had something interesting and specific to say on here, but I have no recollection of what. I will say though that I am happy I've sort of found my way back to somewhat consistent blogging (I shouldn't say that, I'm gonna jinx it), and not just consistent, but also a less cryptic more traditional form of it. I supose I go in waves with that stuff. If I look at my stuff from a little over and around a year ago, those blog posts also got kind of cryptic. It might just be in the air or something. I'm learning to apreciate all the different motions, movements, and phasees of my blog writing. Each one is good and necessary to make the wider piece that is this website, and ultimately a grand long lasting self portrait in a way.
On one final note for the day, it's been lovely to see the guestbook messages of this month from Koen and acoldghostlyprescence. I really apreciate the well wishes, and the compliments. I too hope the move to college goes well lol. A also am hoping to keep this aesthetic of my site for a while. I don't think it used to be so unique. I've thought about changing it again recently, but then I decided I just needed to change my attitude about it. That definitely worked, because here we are and the site is still in the Sunflower era. This website's lore runs quite deep, and the sunflowers need to hang around a little longer. I've been trying to keep aesthetics as long as possible since the begining. I think it's worked.
Anyways, have a great day yall. I hope to see you tomorrow!
-Jemma, 4/30/25
5/1/25:
Wait, it's May?
What Kind of Fuckery is This? - 5/1/25
I forgot that it was decision day at my school today. Forgot that it was the start of the month too. My favorite month, May. Must've remembered subconsciously though, cuz I picked up listening to Amy Winehouse straight away again this morning, because truly, what kind of fuckery is this? Day four of school then working a five hour shift, and I've kind of quit trying with my appearence. I really want to pass as a girl, but I barely've got energy to make myself breakfast or dinner.
Last night I had a dream I was doing crack at wherever I was working in the dream. I had been off it for a while in the dream, but then I tried just a bit and such.
I can't keep my eyes open, maybe some would do me good. I've never done any drugs before. Never drank either. Guess I'm pretty boring. Sober girl. I don't know if Amy Winehouse would be proud or not. My first assumption was not.
It's raining. It's raining so much. It's not raining that much, but it's a lot to me.
Listen, I love the month of May. Don't love the rain. This day feels like it's just April all over again. April didn't feel so much like April. The past weekish or so it's been a mix of dirt Summer and Autumn in my soul. There's this connection between Autumn and August in my head, maybe it's just that first sylable. They share something and I just can't say why. For some reason I felt a bit of that this April. Can't believe April is done though. Can't believe it's done. Feels like it just started, feels like it's still almost March, and even more almost February. April was crazy this year. It was crazy last year too, but extremely liberating. The time sneaks up on me and jumps on my back and tackles me to the floor.
Anywho, I aught to leave you all be and cut the blog here for today. Enjoy the fuckery.
-Jemma, 5/1/25
5/2/25:
Righteous emotion
Rainy Funky Grey Day - 5/2/25
Today is finally the first day since Sunday that I don't have to work, and thankt the Lord for that. Work and school everyday has been driving me to being a shell of myself. That and not having my car right now. This guy at school hit my car last Thursday, so I've been having to rely on others a lot more for a lot of things. I don't really like that feeling, I like to be independent. Usually people rely on me to drive places rather than the other way around. It's been making me feel like it's Sophomore year again.
On a very different note, I finished making the poetry page on the site. I put a few poems in there so far. I don't know how often I'll update it, or if I even will, but we'll see. I wanted to make it, so I did. Today I feel like I'm starting to settle into the month of May. It's been a very dark start to the month (it's been raining and overcast, and I've been spending lots of time in the dark at my job), but it's still a start and I'm hoping it'll begin to feel seperated from April. I was writing about this in my last diary; it seems like every month I'm trying to leave the last month behind as soon as possible. It's kind of foolish, because the borders of the month (the callendar borders) are just arbitrary feeling made up divisions. In the true natural world there isn't a January 31st or an April 30th. There is only one continious stretch of events that will go on for as long as the universe perceives it to.
But then again, does it really matter how it really is or how it is on paper? To me, the months aren't really even what dates they stretch across. Time sort of overlaps like in the Aztec callender or something. The months also bleed over the lines and into eachother. It's like how yesterday I was saying it still felt like April. It still sort of does. It's all in my head.
So do I percieve things how they "really" are, or do I percieve things how I know they aren't but my mind and soul tell me they are to be? I'm unsure. This is a question I think about often in many facets of my life.
I think I had something else I wanted to say on here. I can't really remember right now though. I'm just ready for a very chill day today. I've just got school, and that's not too difficult right now. Then I can go home, clean my room, organize things and my mind. Maybe I'll even watch a movie. Yesterday I thought about pulling an all nighter and watching I Saw the TV Glow, but I could barely keep my eyes open. I don't really know what movie I want to watch. I've got a list from my girlfriend I could pull from, or just ask my Dad for a random movie (he's a film nerd), but I don't really know what the vibe is. If I was gonna watch a movie at this exact moment I'd probably watch something blacksploitation. Freshman and Sophomore year of high school I was relatively into those movies because I was listening to a lot of funk and soul. It was my top genre on spotify (soul). I watched Shaft, Cleopatra Jones, and I think some others that I'm forgetting. I kind of got back into that vibe when I watched Coonskin in January. That movie was so much better than I expected. It's a crazy one, but I highly recomend it. If I was gonna watch one now that I haven't seen I think I'd watch The Watermelon Man or Superfly. Who knows, maybe I will later. Anyways, have a great day yall. Stay beautiful!!
-Jemma, 5/2/25
5/3/25:
I'm back like a rebel making trouble / I'm an assassin, kicking ass on the double
Chuck Berry Singles and Clone High - 5/3/25
Hello beloved readers. It's been a while since I hammered out a midnight blog post (probably since the Summer), but here we are! It's 11:48 and I just got home from dropping my girlfriend off at her house. I spent the day with her watching TV (Over the Garden Wall and Clone High). It was really nice. Tonight I said that it feels like another world hanging out with her, and thinking about it now I think this is because I don't overthink as much about what is to come and what is. The stress melts away. This is a nice break and I need it.
But yeah, today was eventful and fun in the good way. My grandparents are getting rid of a bunch of stuff, so I've been aquiring a lot of family heirloom types of things. One of those things is a Ukelele from the 1920s that was my great grandmother's (I've already written a song on it), a 1940s guitar from my grandpa (the action is insanely high), a lot of books, and my grandpa's Chuck Berry singles. That last piece is incredible to me because at the start of Highschool (about the first half) I had a huge obsession with Chuck Berry. I mean, he is the GOD, the TRUE king, and the most rock 'n' roll out of anyone... ever! I even tried to learn to play guitar like him (and sort of succeeded in a broken punky way). When I started listening to him I couldn't help but think of my Grandpa when he was in high school listening to Chuck Berry as well. It made me feel connected with the past that I feel very disconnected from, and connection with my Grandpa at a time when I was losing him.
But yeah, lots of cool stuff going on. I'm very glad also that I've been keeping up the blog and glad I'm putting in the effort tonight. I hope to see you all the next time I post (hopefully tomorrow). Ciao!
-Jemma, 5/3/25
5/4/25:
omg what is going on lol
Luck, Lost, and Found - 5/4/25
Well,
it's not even the first day of college yet and I've already lost my school id card. I know it's in my house in an envelope somewhere(?), but anxiety is really playing me lol. What if it got thrown away in a bag or the letter? I really know that the worst thing that could happen is I have to pay for a new one, which is not too expensive. Plus realistically it just got swept away under some junk in my room or in my parents' stuff. Either way it's okay and I have a good minute to get ahold of it. I remember the last place I saw it, but it is very clearly not there at this point. This is a good way to learn a good lesson. Also, I'll probably be sitting around and then it will suddenly hit me where it is. Whenever I lose things I kind of look for a hot minute and get anxious about it, then I come to this mindset of that it'll turn up when it turns up and that things will be okay, and then I pray. Then at some point what I'm looking for either turns up, or when I really need it so bad I go take initiative and find it. If I end up losing something for good, then I believe I either (a) didn't really need it in the first place and/or (b) it is in a better place, better hands to those who need it more, or is suposed to be wherever it is. So yeah, either my id will turn up, or when the shit hits the fan I'll find it. Right now I'm just having a good time relaxing, organizing stuff in my room / cleaning, and listening to music. I worked today, and it was a little rough, but that's behind me. That is behind me. I played guitar a bit, had a good pancake dinner. I've been playing a lot of folksier slide guitar and just folksy stuff the past few days. I've also been enjoying my great grandmother's ukulele. It's a fun little instrument. All the slide stuff I've been playing has been in the open f tuning. I got into that tuning trying to learn a Charley Patton song, and then just quit trying to do that and got into messing around. Now I've got one song really solid that I "wrote" (I say that in quotes because I'm probably accidentally ripping it from something else or the composition has already probably been played before), and have others that aren't as solid in my mind that I've been playing.
I think karma, luck, God, or some other force may be turning her face to me, because I'm being supersticious and things seem to be going well / getting better. It's not like things were ever that awful, but I'm happy. I mean, odd good things are about. I also won the game Sorry three times in a row super fast, and cards kept getting predicted. There's also other stuff, but that's the most supersticious of the things. The rest of the stuff seems like it could just be things that I set into motion in my life working out, or the graces of others moving in my favor. Either way, May is always a real good month for me and I always feel pretty positive about it.
Have a good day my beloved readers, I know it's cheesy and hard to hear, but things will and can get better. You are all lovely and wonderful people I'm sure, and I hope the graces of whatever forces are in your life turn to your favor. When good comes one's way, one must pass it onto others. Byeee!!!
-Jemma, 5/4/25
5/7/25:
Whatever happened to the teenage dream?
My Teenage Dream - 5/7/25
Hello internet. How are you? I do a lot of talking lately, and not a lot of asking. I thought I wrote a blog post yesterday, and I knew I didn't the day before, but now I guess it's been three days. I thought I was gonna keep up with the site, but here we are. I guess like whatever. It doesn't really matter. I would've if I wasn't busy, but I was. I was focussed on school and work, and then last night I went to a little live music event with some friends. It was very fun. I also bought myself some icecream. I love twist icecream. It's so pretty and it's the best of both worlds. My favourite icecream flavor is neopolitin though.
I paused writing this real quick to write that into my budgetting. I'm really hard on myself with money; I'll thank myself later. Today I'm working again, but tomorrow there's like a cool little local event thing I'm going to go to with my girlfriend and I'm going to go see the Minecraft Movie. It'll be fun. I'm excited.
But the thing is, gotta focus on right now. Gotta live in the moment. I don't have to, but I will thank myself for doing so because it will make me feel better about my life and self. Right now I'm in ancient history class writing this. We're watching a documentary on ancient Greece. This class is kind of ridiculous. We watched both Mulan and Mulan 2. Yesterday we were talking about school in China in one of my classes, and classes like the one I'm in now do really make American education seem like a joke in comparison. Then again, I've really enjoyed high school and all of my experience in the American education system. I wouldn't want it any other way than the way it happened. I'm very thankful for everything I've learned from it, and the opportunities it has provided.
I used to be really good at recognizing that even if something didn't seem directly applicable to my life that I could pull some sort of value from it. I'd like to get back to that mindset and really try and appreciate everything that comes my way.
Well, that's all I have for you readers today. Stay lovely my friends!
-Jemma, 5/7/25
5/9/25:
Sometimes it is as lovely as you make it
What Goes On - 5/9/25
Hello blogirls! Hows it going? Well, I guess you can't really answer (except in the guestbook). I hope you're doing well though!
I will say, I'm doing pretty well. Yesterday I got to skip school because I didn't have a way to get there, and then later went to the Minecraft movie with my girlfriend. I think if you watch that movie without thinking about all the shit that went down with it when it came out (which is sort of just a me thing because I work at the theater) and without thinking about the possibilities it could have been, it was not too bad. I thought it was gonna be worse, and it was actually pretty funny. I think it was really funny how DanTDM was in it for like a minute and had NO LINES lol.
Today I'm not really doing much. I mean, I have this big story thing I gotta finish for creative writing, and I have this big art project I need to knock out some stuff for. Both are due today, but I'm sure I'll whip it into shape. I'll knock out the writing next hour, and the art thing I can finish at lunch. In one of my classes I have one more big project, but it shouldn't be too much of a big deal. The only obstacle is that I work every day next week four and a half hours right after school, and I need to make food for the project. I'm sure things will get all figured out though. I'm hopeful. The more I believe in positive change in my life, the more it will happen. This is because the more I believe it will happen the more willing I will be to make it happen. Then I put in the propper effort, and things happen.
Today I am also probably going to get my car back after it finally got fixed from getting hit a few weeks ago. This makes me very happy, but I'm attempting to contain my excitement just in case it doesn't end up being done today. With that I will probably go tonight to get my Mom something for Mother's day with my brother and such. I want to go to the mall really bad now that I have my car back, but I might save that for next Friday or Saturday or weekend or something. I was going to go to the mall the weekend my of the week my car got hit. Well, then my car got hit. It's like closure. Maybe I'll get some friends together to go.
Anywho, I haven't much else to say as of right now, so I might go do some of my work. I hope your day is worry free my friends. Stay postive, and thankyou for reading.
-Jemma, 5/9/25
5/12/25:
Janine, Janine, you'd like to know me well, / But I've got things inside my head That even I can't face.
Dirt Summer Smiles - 5/12/25
Dirt Summers when your front teeth peel the skin off your lips and the grease is running hot down your face. It's the dirt on your skin slicked down by the sweat. Dirt Summers each and every damn mosquito you curse off your body and swat away.
Dirt Summer is the smell of gasoline and cigarettes that aren't your own. It's the sand in your teeth and curve of your smile. It's the campground grime and all that. It's the burning heat of the Summer as much as it's the cool night breeze, and that smell- that smell! I lust foor the scent of the night's breeze driving home from a midnight shift.
Dirt Summer is the fire's breath and the blues on the late night radio. Those blues, oh how I love them. They make it all feel so good.
Dirst Summer started this year the day my car got hit. The crunch of the metal and burn of the concrete. The pissed off smile on my face, and the anxious sweat. That good hot Summer sweat. Dirt Summer doesn't stop for a minute too. It lasts, maybe even to Halloween if you want- and if the weather permits. Early November even if you're feeling it. Seasons are just what I make of them when I want them to.
This year I've got a playlist going, I'm just adding any song that feels like Dirt Summer. In the past the soundtracks have been Elvin Bishop, the Mallrats soundtrack, I Against I, Descendents' Enjoy, The Cramps, James Brown, and all sorts of things. There's something to say though for the difference between the nights and days. Summers got so many vibes: they're all in my head and with my own stuff, but they're real. There's definitely overlaps too. I might work on a pinterest board for it or something, or just keep it in my head. Adding onto the Dirt Summer list is Evanescence, and more at night Carly Rae Jepsen and Siouxsie and the Banshees. Les Dudek for sure, and at the more start of Dirt Summer is definitely Guitar Wolf. Guitar Wolf goes way back with this vibe, all the way to fourth or fifth grade. The mischievious smiles, completely teeth. Teeth and braces. I had braces from 3rd to 8th grade. I was an overbite girl, if you couldn't already tell. Anyways, I'm so ready for the Summer heat, and the Aquamarine vibes (which I categorize in a different vibe than Dirt Summer; every vibe must have an opposite or paralel or something different in order for it to exist in it's magnificence). Have a wonderfull day my starstruck readers. I wish you all the best.
-Jemma, 5/12/25
5/13/25:
omg im so ready for lunch
The Movie Girl - 5/13/25
Heyy blogirls, it's me, Jemma. I'm like really really really so so so so so hungry. Omg like I need to eat something. Luckily lunch is next hour.
So, as far as news on my life (which is often what I've been using this platform for), I figured out the job I was lined up to get has been discontinued. So.. I guess that's that! I'm planning on applying to two other places on Friday so once school is out it'll only be a few more weeks of me solely working at the movie theater.
On a similar note, I'm working like a dog out here. Every day right after school. Yesterday wasn't too bad because it was really sunny and nice and warm and that made me really happy. Today it's a little rainy, but that's alright. I've been listening to and watching comedy stuff all morning. I just got into Joan Rivers's standup. I watched like a full 40something minute special. It was pretty good. She's like lightning fast. Now I'm working my way through the latest SNL. I don't really know the host, and usually I just watch ones where I know the host, but I'm at school so I figure I can save the ones with hosts I really care about for later at home where I can really enjoy it (such as the episodes with Quinta Brunson, Jack Black, Dave Chappelle, Bill Burr, Ariana Grande, and most of all the one I'm most excited for other than Quinta, John Mulaney). I really haven't kept up with a season a ton since 2020 or 2021, but I do like the current cast. Marcello Hernández is probably my favorite newer member, but I like most everyone on there. Some of it is so pathetically bad I get second hand embarassment, but every once in a while there is a joke that completely makes me break down laughing, and that makes all of it worth it. I even don't mind the really bad jokes. Right now I'm too hungry to be breaking down laughing, and at school.
Anyways, I don't really know what else I have to say today, so I'll see you readers later!
-Jemma, 5/13/25
5/14/25:
There's good rockin' tonight
It's That Smile - 5/14/25
Good good morning my lovelyl blogfolk! I hope you're having as fine a morning as myself. I was a bit iffy starting off, but I started listening to Buddy Holly (NOT THE WEEZER SONG, THE 50s ROCKSTAR) a ton and now I'm feeling pretty neat. The vibes are kinda Almost Famous,Easy Rider, and Once Upon A Time In Hollywood. I also decided out of supersticion to maybe never listen to Peggy Sue while driving. Seems like bad jujus. I also refuse to listen to Heart in the car, as my father got in two car crashes listening to them. I'm still listening to Buddy, and I found his super groovy cover of Slipping and Sliding. I used to take a firm stance that no artist could cover a Little Richard song and pull it off, but I've softened on my stance, because both Holly's and Wanda Jackson's covers of this song are really great. I do think that no original rock n roller could ever cover a Little Richard song and pull it off. The closest I think anybodys gotten is Saw Her Standing There by The Beatles. It's not a Little Richard song, so technicallly not a cover, but it is SO Little Richard infused it may as well be.
Back on Buddy Holly though, I wish he didn't die in that plane. Same with The Big Bopper and Ritchie Vallens (whom I've barely listened to, but it felt disrespectful to leav him out of it). If you don't know, that was the day the music died, and that is what the song American Pie is about. I think Buddy Holly would have gone on to do more of the same stuff he was doing in the 60s, and then hit some real funky stuff like a mix of what Elvis and Bo Diddley were doing in the 70s.
Anywho, I've got to get to work on school stuff. Ciao!
-Jemma, 5/14/25
5/15/25:
Can't feel too bad in weather like this
Lord Knows - 5/15/25
Apathy. Its not a choice.
There are some fights I just don't see as worth fighting. Sometimes you just gotta wait for things to change. You fight the fights by securing your way out of them. Sure, it sounds like avoidance- hell, maybe it is- but it's not not working right now (for me). Three months and I'll be off to college, thank the Lord! Ive already got my roommate set up and everything. Then I won't have to deal with my parents as much, or my extended family.
My mind is full of contradictions, and the role of family is one of them. On one hand, I'd love to know and have close relationships with everybody in my extended family. I'd like to keep the history of our tree, and tend to it carefully. I believe them all to be nice, loving, caring, and considerate people regardless of the reality. Call me an optomist or something. This part of me urges myself to detransition and leave everything like that behind. This part of me wants to be what all my family and ancestors would want me to be, and take on the task of figuring out just what that is. This task is overwhelming and feels near impossible.
On the other hand I think to myself,"Who cares about all that family stuff?" This is a very American mindset, believe it or not. While Americans preach homegrown family values, it's hardly demonstrated in comparison to places like China or something. This is an observation rather than a critiscm. We send our elders to homes, or even cut them off. Of course, this happens everywhere, but it feels real American to leave and never come home. Leaving the nest, rebelling against parents, and disrespecting elders may to me seem so American because it's our history. Britain could be seen as the father whom we rebel against.
I digress; on the other hand I realize that all my old relatives I either already don't talk to much (and neither do my parents), haven't much time left (to be frank, I do wish them all many more lengthy happy years, call me a realist for this I supose), already don't like my family, or are (in reality) not the nicest. If I do my own thing and stay to myself yes I won't have the occasional family meet up, but I'll have my freedom of sorts. How close will I be with my extended family (great aunts, great uncles, second, third, and fourth cousins)? How close do I want to be? How about my extended family (uncles, aunts, cousins, etc)? Realistically how close would I be with them anyway? I'd love to keep close contact. I know that for certain. Thing is, I already don't. Hell, my Uncle and Aunt have forgotten my birthday the past several years. My relationship with my immediate family will persist regardless of it all.
I'm opening a lot of questions and have few to no answers. My truths lie like needles in the sands of time. My answers lie tied to them.
-Jemma, 5/15/25
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