4/14/24
Hey everyone,
Idk if anyone has been checking the website as of late, but it has gone through some enormous changes. For one, welcome to Winter... in the Spring! This blog and site started in the Winter, so I figured I want it to stay there. I am going to slowly be re-adding variations of the old pages, but much more to what I would liike them to be now in my life. Rather than idealizing the times of when the blog started, I'm reinventing the site to a kind of fantasy. I'm still gonna include my portrait-of-whats-going-on-in-my-life blog posts, but I'm trying to reinvent myself along the way. I dressed very hot-topic thrift store gothic last semester, and I am not saying that is bad or that that is wrong, but I'm changing my style. I still want to try that, but right now I need basic. More tanktops, more shorts, more skin, more lip gloss, more basic makeup, less energy taken from me. Less anxiety.
So! New blog, new me (so cheesy but so real), hope you all enjoy the future of Jemma On The Web! Byeee!
4/15/24
As the days progressed the chaos and unorganization of a post-apocalyptic webpage grew me to be weary. I lacked order and decision in my own life, and still do, but I made decisions and moved along. I've moved along unknowing of the space in which those whom I have left behind dwell, only speculating upon the worlds they may live in. The days of the past seem yet to be only a spectacle of my vast and vivid, delusional imagination. I sit and I think, but do not let it marinate me in sorrow. I work hard to succeed.
In AP Lit we as a class have been diced into groups, each to read a Shakespeare problem play. My group has been tasked with reading The Winter's Tale, perhaps inspiring my new style of blog. I like my group, from what we've researched it looks like a good play. Sometimes I feel that I'm writing letters to the past when I've been writing these blog posts. A past that is the present though. I'm in a weird state where the past is the future, the present is a mix of elements from the past with some missing, and the even further past is the present while that past's future is the future. With that I leave you all, updates are still going on the site.
4/16/24
Today I went on a trip to a college campus with some other students from my school to a school that is #1 on my list of schools I hope I get into. I could go into the reasons why and why I may or may not get in, but that's some stress I don't need. I'd rather express my feelings from the trip. Chiefly, loneliness I supose. My friends were there. I guess I just didn't stay very near them. I was invested in what the tour guide was saying about the University. All that I heard only made me want to attend even more.
It's funny, I can't stop thinking about my ex-girlfriend. I still feel bad about breaking up. Some people have made me feel worse. Some have tried to make me feel better. Some have their own relationship situationships that they are dealing with. It feels like I just got off the freeway and now I watch from the highwayside as everyone goes so quickly to a place they don't even know. Off to the future.
That's where I'm going to. Hopefully to the University of my dreams to study Art and Library Science. I look forward to it, but I must focus on the now... Such as my impending Sociology assignment I have not yet begun (I have to present it this Friday). Further down the line, we've got the Summer. I want to work, and go to the beach. That's it. That's what I've been telling everybody. I briefly think of sticking to my plan from Summers of the past: self isolation. This probably won't happen, but it's always a thought.
Even further down the line? Senior year. I'm excited for it. It's gonna be fun. I debate continuing to take on the challenge of dual enrollment or stepping back into the realm of highschool, which I've come to find is not the fantasy I have made it out to be. On the bright side (for that is where I wish to stay), I'm looking at taking a freelance writing class, which means my article writing skills will get better. That only means good things for the blog. Either way, I must look forward and not turn back; I must combat the creeping negative emotions; I must stay strong, and so shall you.
4/17/24
Did I tell you about the Danes coming to my school? Well, they did. They came around because they want to be a sister school the other day. Anyways, they came into my art class and talked to me for a little bit (about things like smart phones, competetiveness of school, and stress factors) and then they moved onto the metals room. They were quite nice to me and congratulated me for not having any social media on my phone (thanks)! Today I passed them in the hall while walking with my history teacher, who went,"Yeah, my current class will be fine, they're well behaved.. Because Jemma isn't in that class!" My government teacher likes to mess with people like that. As I was passing the Danes walking behind him one of them went,"I like that one!" I win guys, the Danes love me (which is why I have aptly named this blog post The Danes Love Me). It made my day! Anyways, that's my short little interaction story for today. Hope you all have a great Wednesday! Peace out.
4/18/24
Today I feel frustration. I figured we left things on good terms, yet I find my sureness shaken by a single text message. It's funny how little things make big impacts. I feel strange and foreign from what I knew. I wish to run as far away as I can. I want to take my car and drive as far as I can. Drive down south to Nashville, back North to New York, and then West to California. Maybe pick up and drop off friends along the ride. Maybe trade my car for another. This is only a fantasy, I'll never live that. That isn't planned, if anything near that were to happen it would.
I must keep in mind that I don't owe anyone anything EVER. It may sound selfish, but I'm in reality just being assertive. I've been known to submit to whatever people say or demand of me. I am working on it, but I am NOT working on it for ANYONE ELSE. I am LIVING for ME. I DONT need advice from ANYONE ELSE. Some people have tried to give me advice, and I apreciate the thought, but sometimes one is not fit to give this advice. Anger is the stage of grief I remain in.
4/19/24
No blog post today because I do not feel inspired to write :)
Honestly, I don't think my friend Evie or any of my little online people have been reading this, and that's kinda who I am writing this for to read so I think I'll take a pause today. Perhaps I'll get back to this in a minute. Honestly I don't expect anyone to read this. I don't know. Have a good day everyone, remember to take breaks when you need 'em!
P.S. I supose this became a blog post anyways!
4/20/24
Goood Morning internet peoples. It's me, Jemma, per usual. We hit 20,000 views on this bad bitch now (holy shit!) and so that's pretty cool. But anyways, I'm just keepin' the post short today. Yesterday I hung out with one of my friends, so that was lit. I got 2 d20s for like a fuckin doller (like thats insane to me, I am going to become a dice goblin now I think) and we went to the Library and we went to a little coffee shop place and an antique store. Lots of stuff for three hours lol. But yeah, at the Library I got the book Howl's Moving Castle which I recognized from the Studio Ghibli movie, but I wanted to give it a shot so yesterday before watching this weird ass Romcom Musical thing I read the first chapter and it seemedd pretty good and now I want to go read it before I have to go to work and therefore I am going to cut the blog here. Anyways, thanks all you internet folk for reading! Byeee!
P.S. I submitted one of the poems I wrote in the New Old Blog to a school poetry contest, I'll tell yall if I win! I probably won't, but hey, I figured I'd try! Anyways, bye for real this time!!
4/21/24
Hellllooo blog, this is Jemma speaking. I gotta get my confidence back up about my apearence. That's a whoole other thing, lets just get to the talking. I near forgot to write the blog post today, until now (about 8:11 pm). Of course, I did have work and Church. Work was good, two friends were working so it was all good. Church was fine too. The preacher, she made a cool point about how a lot of people don't like the idea of Jesus being a shephard and everyone sheep because they find sheep borin, or the sort of thing you think of when you call someone a sheep, and how that simply isn't true and that so called sheep can be interesting. Of course, the basic ideas of this were the children's sermon, I have no clue what the actual sermon was. It was good though, I was not disturbed or sleepy from it. Those are kind of the two directions bad sermons go. I can think of about three sermons that permanently scarred me throughout my life. They still have a lasting effect on me.
But anyways, this was a good day. I don't really want to go to school tomorrow (or really at all this week) for obvious reasons, but hey, free education. I'll make sure to post throughout this busyish week. Bye bye!
4/22/24
Hey everyone, welcome internet to my little blogpost of the twenty second. It's hard to write on the blog sometimes because I know the whole world can see my thoughts. It's a little unsettling sometimes.
Either way, I'm pretty hungry today, more specifically right now. I really am having a hard time writing today. I need to let it go though. Anyways, today is the last Monday I will have my Sociology class EVER. Thank God! I already have more free time than normal, which has been nice (more on how I've been spending it in a second), and now I'm gonna have even more time on my hands! I've been spending more time with my brother and family, hanging out with friends more, and have been going to the beach more again. I've also been getting back into reading more with this time (currently I am reading Howl's Moving Castle). With the new found time after this week (which is my last week of my Sociology class and I need to remember to study for the exam, likely by reading the textbook over) I'll be getting home from school around 1:40 to 2ish like every day. Wait, I'm gonna do the actual math real quick.. Yup! From about 1:45 to 1:50 every day (about an hour before everyone else gets out). I'm gonna take advantage of this to get a whole laundry list of things done (studying, cleaning, practicing guitar, and working on art for my college portfolio). Anyways, thankyou all for reading, or not reading, today. I'll see all of you friends tomorrow!
4/23/24
This is just the start of today, and the blog post. So much shit got me pissed right now and this is my place to spout those uncensored opinions. That's how you know it's about to be a good blog post lol. I don't really give a shit about anything right now. Yeah, Sociology exam, yeah, social drama, yeah, hanging out with people, yeah, colleges. I don't care. I've got bigger fish to fry. I've got a paying gig comin' up, 125$ each band member playing for two hours. It's about to get fuckin' lit at the fair. We're already preppin' and the gig is in July. This Summer, I'm gonna work my ass off. I'm workin' my ass of in general, but I've got plans. I'm gonna fuck shit up. It's gonna get fuckin' crazy this Summer. Beach time all the time unless I'm at work, I'll have a shit ton of money, no college no school going on. No drama, just the beach and my crazy fucking brain.
I hate the rain because it makes everything get all wet, like specifically my shoes and socks. I gotta walk through it for school. Today I'll be eating in the Cafeteria again, I'm on the pilgrimage. I go everywhere, say hi to everyone. I eventually make it to the end of the line where I stand with my friends. Maybe I'll eat outside today. You never know, I'm kinda gonna eat where ever I want. There's no rules in the highschool. There's nobody telling me I can't sit where I want. I love highschool. It's freedom. This is where I leave you all today, doing good and getting crazy.
CLICK FOR EXTENDED BLOG POST
I'm at school now, and I'm finding depression once again. I don't want to do anything today. There's a wall of darkness after the events of today. I see no future somehow. I can't look past today. It's getting too hard to handle. Temptation creeps in and I debate going home. No. I don't give up. There is work to be done. I must be here. I can't let this stop me. I think back to the old blog. Perhaps it was better that way. Perhaps I will digress. No. Change is good. Perhaps I shant be publishing all of this. Perhaps this is a bad idea. Perhaps this will be the reason I don't get into university. This year feels as though it's my last year of highschool. It is not. I have one more year. Next year will be like 8th grade. Right now is like late seventh grade although it does not line up by three. Tenth grade was suposed to be like seventh grade. I think back to my boyfriend of the time. He said he'd meet up with me at this time last year. I think about the nights he kept me up at night crying and sweating, running to get water and cool my nerves. I think back to his friend from the mental hospital. I think back to his story of his near suicide. A day before we met he attempted to jump off a bridge, only to land in the rocks and scrape himself. Which one of him was it? I think about if he thinks of me. I think he has forgotten. I think I'm too impressionable. I am like the Tibia. If you hit it, it keeps the mark. For life. It doesn't go away. It stops hurting, but the mark remains. I remember my girlfriend from when I was thirteen. She was sixteen and lived in Florida. She was abused by her father. She had no escape. She fell in love with me. I couldn't fathom this. Now I'm older than she was. I feel old. She must be nineteen if she survived. I blocked her. The internet left me with these scars, and now I dump these scars back out onto the internet. I don't believe I have trauma. Not in a traditional sense. These figures that have come and gone through my life had real trauma. Dissociative identity disorders, abusive parents, pedophile boyfriends, and so on. I did not experience these things. I experienced reaction to them. I experienced those who experienced them looking for someone to tend to their needs in these things. As a young one I didn't know what to do with these things. I still don't. I block this out of my brain. These thoughts on the past were mistakes made by an unknowing me. All of these things occured during the pandemic. Looking at this block of text in the Neocities HTML editor, I find that this will be the longest blog post yet on the new new blog. I expect nobody to read it. I have a feeling one or two people will. It's really not here for anybody but me. This is here only to lift off my chest. I debate about deleting this, but why not release more data into the vastness of the web.
My sociology teacher took precious time of the class describing a major problem of modern sociology. The internet. Massive amounts of data, free form, just out there. Nobody can sort through it all by hand, so we are forced to use machines. I use this machine to sort through my issues.
4/24/24
I don't feel much like writing after yesterday's extended blog post and general bad feelings, yet as they say, the show must go on! So here I am. Yesterday was pretty hard (if you couldn't read it in the blog post) but like I said I did not let it defeat me! Here I am today, feeling much better. After I got home, I decided to do my workout (which I have aimed at very specific things, will dig into that more in a second) and that made me feel better. Roughly when I finished that, my friend came over to hang out and we planned for the DND Campaign we're running today. We actually did planning and it is actually looking like things will go smoothly and be pretty fun. Then I went to a little college fair thing in the City and looked at some cool colleges. It definitely gave me more of an idea of where I would like to go, where I do not want to go, and where I need to do more research. Luckily I've got my Dad helping me out with some of the researching and he took me to the thing, which was nice. Then I got home and chilled for the rest of the night, read a chapter of my book, and went to bad. I also had some WACK dreams last night. I'm not gonna get into that. Anyways, on my excersize routine: when I was taking gym class last semester it helped me deal with relieving a lot of hard stress, so I figured doing something like that right now would be helpful. I'm doing leg workout stuff Monday, Wednesday, and Friday (no weights or anything, but I might get ankle weights in order to achieve some goals) and arm workouts Tuesday and Thursday. Then I'm starting a stretching thing aimed at doing the splits. I'm starting to get closer and more flexible, and I feel a little bit better about my body. Anyways, sorry about yesterday everyone, have a good Wednesday!
4/25/24
I've got good news, and news and general coming live from my school chromebook, hello internet and hello IRL people (none of which I know of that should be reading this, for the most part). Good news time, because it is good to count your blessings, my blessings being that my Sociology exam is actually next week Wednesday instead of this Friday. This gives me much more time to study than expected. I also checked my grade in the class and I have a 92%, so I'm not at all just a little worried about it.
In other news, I am not sure what I am trying to do with the site right now. I'm sort of thinking about making a bookshelf like the Club Penguin bookshelf in the second floor of the Cafe, but with books that I like or books that I think are interesting. I've even lightly thought about putting my sketchbooks in it much like Geekula's Doodle Books on her site. This would require me getting a lot better at html and css though, and maybe even using more javascript (which I am somewhat deathly afraid of). Anyways, thanks for reading the blog again my people! There's now enough posts where in the footer I added a link back to the top for your convenience, so test it out for me! Also, this is a reminder that I would love to talk to anyone of you readers on discord or if you email me at jemmaontheweb@gmail.com! Seeya!
4/26/24
Hi blog, it's Friday. I'm doing the blogpost in the morning today because I know it is going to be a busy day. I've got school, college, and work. So like, that's a triple threat. That's why I figured I'd get this out of the way. There's also this garage sale I want to go to today because I bought a walkman, five cds, and a (broken) discman for 15$ there yesterday and they said there would be more stuff today. Anyways, that's where I'll leave it for today. Goodbye.
4/27/24
Heyyy blog!! Tonight I went to the mall instead of going to prom, because lets be real, who gives a shit about stuffy clothing and overpriced tickets for a highschool event. A lot of my friends were'nt even going and there's only like one of my friends that I would want to hang out with. All my besties didn't go. Plus, at the mall I got a super cute t-shirt with sunflowers on it! It's super tight and hot af. We're out here makin' people crazy. I had to drag my brother through a lot of stores lol and almost got him to go up a closed escalator with me. It was super fun though and now I'm chillin' watchin' TV. So, ergo, fuck prom and long live the mall. Byeee!!
P.S. I updated the Pokemon page.
4/30/24
Good afternoon internet. What's that? Why have I been gone. Well, okay. So on Sunday I was working, and yesterday I went to the big City on an art fieldtrip. It was pretty fun, everyone was super tired after though. On another note, tomorrow is the big day! My last day of Sociology and the final exam! I'm gonna be totally honest, I feel prepared and ready. I've been studying for a week, I took notes the whole class, and I already have a good grade so there is padding if I fail. It's so nice! It's weird to think that I've been running this blog all the way from when I was still in my Drawing Dual Enrollment class, into my confusion and signing up for my Sociology class, and all the way through it now. It's weird how time has passed. Now that I'm thinking about it even more, yesterday was the blog's seventh month!! That's a holy number!!! Thank you all for travelling through this with me and clicking on my dumb little site :P
A lot has changed since the begining, but I think I'm in a good place right now. I don't know if I already talked about it, but I started working out too, so I think that has helped. Not in like a I'm one of those girls that lives at the gym way, but more of a trying to do it for my mental health way (and to get a bigger ass lol). Anyways, I AM STILL ALIVE, and here's to many more months of the blog (if I feel like it). Byeee!!
5/1/24
Hello internet, it's Jemma.
Do I really feel like writing? I just finished a timed writing on Shakespeare's A Winter's Tale. I quite enjoyed the play, but this timed writing felt bogus. Like, I just feel worn out and tired today. I also feel like a shitty friend. I can see that one of my friends is in distress, but I cannot figure out why. I need to learn to let it go though, if someone doesn't want to talk about things then I ought to leave them be and not beat myself up about not being able to fix it.
On another, brighter, note, HAPPY MAY!!! I love May, 10/10 month. School is almost over, the air is warm and cool all at once. The flowers are blooming, and so is the inspiration in my brain. I have started working on a little 4-6 pageish comic using the dialogue and characters of the White Stripes' song It's True We Love One Another. This has also gotten me back into the music of Holly Golightly.
On the other hand, today is the day of my Sociology exam. It feels stange to almost be free. I need to look beyond the dark clouds laid across my mood and mind and look into the glory of the blue sky, green trees, and bright sun which nature proudly presents me today. I must not focus on the bad, but the good. Not the mistakes I've made, but the challenges I have and will overcome in my time. I must not focus on the isolation and trapping of myself in this building and this brain at this moment, but rather the trecks I will travel outside soon. In about twentyish minutes I get to walk in the light of the sun. Is it not happy, and why shouldn't I be happy. I know not if I have done anything wrong, and know not what it is if I have. Goodbye!
5/2/24
Good morning internet! How's it going? I guess I really shouldn't ask, yall can't really respond (unless you emailed me or said in my guestbook or something). Well, I have good news; I am done with Sociology! I never have to go back. Next week when I don't have a sixth hour (or even this Friday!) I'll apreciate it. Right now after school I have therapy :P so thats that. But, on a more fun note, tonight I'm going to go watch Challengers with my brother. The perk of working at the movie theater? I get in for free! Lets see... I'm trying to think of more shit to type down on here today, and I have a feeling I'll think of more things later, but I don't know. I guess I'll just cut it here for today. Byeeeeeee!!
5/3/24
I am really pissed/upset by my SAT score that I got (I cannot get into the college I want to now), but I'm going to try and not let that get in the way of the blog post today. Who cares about college anyways? I shouldn't. I still have the chance to get into a ton of other schools instead (and can apply without giving them my test scores) and can try and get into my dream school for my masters degree (which is still two cool years I can hang around campus). So yeah, I'm stopping the blog here. Goodbye.
5/4/24
Heyy blog, just got home from the beach. It was really nice today. I worked a good six hour shift, got home, ate pizza, and took off to the beach! I went with my brother and we were just chillin'. Nothing like the feeling of the water and the wind on your skin. And work was even good too! Pretty much everyone at work is cool. I have no beef with anyone anymore (thank God). Also, I'm starting to get pretty into Amy Winehouse because she has a biopic coming out soon. I even am getting the poster for it! I feel really bad for her, but I think her first album. I listened to it at work while I was cleaning the windows. Tomorrow I have to work again, but I'm chill with it. Anyways, I'm gonna take off for the night. Hope you all had a good Saturday! Keep on truckin'!
5/5/24
I think I'm entering an Amy Winehouse phase, like I'm pretty obsessed with her. I could be her. Anyways, I don't feel like blogging. Bye bye!
5/6/24
Words seep in dripping down the grapevine as feelings befall and self hatred creeps in. I'm in Econ, again. I've found I always write the blog in third hour. I think I need to delete social media again. I recently downloaded instagram again because someone interesting followed me and I wanted to see what was up with that, and I've gone to deep into digesting and decoding the platform. It may be time to get out.
On another, brighter, note, this weekend was really good. I hung out with my friend at work on Sunday, and on Saturday work was good too. I went to the beach with my brother, which I enjoyed, and on Friday I went to the library with my friend and with another friend went to target.
Sometimes I wonder who's reading this blog. Could be someone reading it over my shoulder as I type, people wandering in to read who I don't even talk to, internet strangers, or close friends. It's such a mixed bag. Honestly, I can't believe I'm still doing this thing. I think my mental health has been getting pretty decent (or has been holding together since my breakup) because I started working out again> Tryna get that lower body strength and maintain healthy upper body strength. Anyways, I better get going on my Econ work. Ciao!
5/7/24
I like action. When I want something done, I get it done myself and I don't let shit get in my way. Not in a demanding way, just in a.. work ethic way. I got priorities. Thats why it sucks when there are things that get up in my head that I can't do anything about in the moment. Of course I can do things, but thats crazy shit. Either way, it's all whatever. Last night I went to the beach, it was fuckin lit. Walked past this rock that said no tresspassing, and then this old guy yelled at us for being over there. Anyways, patience is a virtue I guess, and you gotta wait for more blog till tomorrow. Ciao!
5/8/24
Just took my AP Lit exam, and for some reason everything is deciding to fall apart today. DND is going crazy, Government went bad while I was in my exam, I'm receiving texts that I don't want to respond to, and I'm in the middle of a Geology quiz of which I'm clueless on. All the while my brain is fried from fifty five multiple choice and three essays (yet I'm still writing this).
BUT, there is a way out. If I have a good attitude about all this it's no big deal. Anyways, it's gonna be alright. I'll do my AP Art stuff I need to tomorrow and after this hour in the library. DND can also be in the library, and if it can't we'll do it outside. The Government think does suck because the teacher is going to pick on me even more, BUT I only have to put up with him one more month and I can just turn in my stuff tomorrow. No big deal. I wish everyone would just leave me alone though. I'm already having a hard day, I don't want to talk to anyone at all. I'm not gonna let it stop me or slow me down though. I am not going to let this stuff ruin my day. I'm not gonna skip, I can't just go or stay home. I gotta power through things because I am strong and capable. You are all strong and capable too and can power through anything. If no one else believes in you I do. I'm gonna go get back up, hang in there everyone.
5/9/24
Hi everyone. Internet. How are you. Yes, I figured. I feel so weird. Like a restless anger. I feel limited. Here we go anyways. I wish everybody would delete my phone number and leave me alone, other than my friends. I also feel like shit for no reason. Is God punishing me again? I spent too much time on social media today. I've been relapsing into it, I need to learn healthier usage for social media. I think the adiction genetics in me are getting to me with this one. Maybe I'll start drinking. Follow the over glorified instagram lifestyles of girls who are totally wasted, depressed, disorder filled, unmanagable, unsavable, and miserable. Or maybe I'll carry on and take care of myself. TBD.
All I know is my brother needs to give playing Smash Bros a break.
5/10/24
Okay, that title is so cheesy, but as am I today. I'm feeling a lot better than I have the past two days. Wednesday was pretty bad,yesterday I went down a bunch of bad rabbit holes, and today I'm doing alright. Actually, yesterday I went to a parade, which was super fun. I went with my brother, he's cool. Today after school I'm gonna go jam with one of my friends. It's gonna be fun. Then I gotta be home by dinner at six, and then I think I'll chill the rest of the night. Or I'll ask my friend Christina if she wants to go get Wendys. I wanna go get a frosty and fries. A holy combo. Anyways, I just finished my econ assignment, my government shit went fine, I finished my AP Art Portfolio (finallly!), and I'm done with AP Lit. My friend keeps calling me a whore tho cuz I'm kinda into this girl LOL. It's all good though, life is good and life is easy. I really shouldn't be worrying about anything. Yeah, I'll have things to do or whatever, but it's smooth sailing and things are gonna get smoother. I really am procrastinating a bit right now lol. It doesn't matter though. Life is amazing!
5/12/24
Hey webjems, I've got news.
You may have noticed that the site is now "Jemma Off The Web" instead of "Jemma On The Web". First, I'd like to appologize for this. I am aware that this is very inconvenient, as if you have any buttons or links to my site they no longer work. I can provide an explanation for this. In one day, it will have been five weeks since I have broken up with my (now) ex-girlfriend. They have since been reading my blog still every day, and if upset with what I write or post on here have texted me. As I do not want this to happen, I have changed the site link and name so I don't have to completely start fresh and can have peace on my site. Maybe I'll change the site back to it's former name sooner or later, but for now we are off the web. This will have effects, such as most of the archived site being disabled or broken, but I will fix this soonish (or find a solution to also have the Jemma On The Web domain active with the archived site). Anyways, that is that, hope you all have a great Mothers Day. My appologies again for the inconvenience, if you'd like more information or anything you can add me on discord (jemmaontheweb) or email me (jemmaontheweb@gmail.com). Thanks everyone for sticking with me!
5/13/24
Hey internet, welcome to day two of Jemma Off The Web. I'm gonna keep it real, this is the last time I'm talking about my ex on the blog ever and what I have to say is that nothing in this blog since April has been written for or written thinking about them. I just wanted to expel those suspicions right away. Now lets jump into this beautiful day.
It's the morning right now, like early morning. I just feel like doing something before going to school and procrastinating harder on doing my 77 question Geology review that's due today. I'm probably gonna end up doing it in AP Art because we are not doing shit in that class anymore. The AP exams are over for me. I can rest (well, aside from reviewing for my non AP, Geology, exam). Anyways, thanks for reading internet people, byee!
5/14/24
A wile ago, actually just after my breakup, I bought a four cd set of Oldies Compilation CDs. Well, I listened to it a whole bunch when I first got it. I was really into it. Oldies became a dominant part of what I was listening to for that moment. It definitely helped me navigate my emotions through the breakup and was a good postive channel for it. The CD really helped me, along with working out. Well, I was trying to find this compilation album on spotify, and I straight up couldn't. I decided to take action on this today. Now, you can find the Original Oldies on Spotify because I chose to transfer it over. There are a few songs that had to be replaced because the artist wasn't on spotify, but I replaced them with faithful covers of the songs from the time. In other music news, Cumgirl8 has dropped a new single called quite like love. It's pretty good, I like the newer angle that they're taking at their music. Anyways, guess what I saw last night; I saw the Fall Guy. It was pretty good, I didn't mind it. Pretty funny movie. Like most movies, I wish it were a tad bit shorter though. Ninety minute movies are where its at. Two hours, it has to be done pretty well for me to endure. Two and a half to three hours is fuckin' overkill. That's just self indulgence on the director's part. Double anyways, I've been trying to seperate the blog life from my real life lately after the ex-girlfriend-reading-the-blog-still incedent, so if I know you IRL, STFUU!!! That's all for today, bye!
P.S. I fixed some broken links on the site and fixed a lot of the Archived site. For those of you new to the site, the Archived site is an old version of the website. This can be further explained on the old site's blog.
5/15/24
Hello internet, choir and theater kids drive me crazy. Why do I have to say that now? I'm listening to them talk. It's pretty annoying. Anyways, I'm just chillin. Today is a good day. I don't really want to be at school till 5, but I don't really have a choice. They gotta stop picking on orchestra kids dude. I'm listening to them, and they're just picking on the orchestra kids. Like, shut up. ALL of my fucking friends are in Orchestra. Same with jazz kids, can't stand 'em. I'm gonna take a piss and get out of this room. Have a good day everyone.
5/16/24
Hey internet, it's Jemma again. What a suprise! On this webssite, Jemma and her thoughts and feelings being here?? Yup. My English teacher is just yapping right now, so I'm chillin. Four of my classes I don't have to do exams anymore, and now I just have two more exams. So basically I'm chillin the rest of the school year. Just minding my own business, and the Seniors are leaving after this week, so I can have more peace. I really don't have much more to say now, so peace out!
5/17/24
I'm kinda sad, the seniors last day is today at school. A lot of my friends are seniors, and I'm really gonna miss them. It's weird. But on the bright side, there's some seniors that I don't like that are leaving. So yay! The weirdest part is that I'm gonna be the seniors. I don't know if I'm ready for this. Being on top of highschool will be weird. I remember starting out, and the craziness and mystery of Freshman year. It was super fun! Sophmore year was hard socially, but it was a good highschool year. This year was really hard, but it's been getting better and better and now I'm feeling pretty good. Anyways, have a good day yall! Byeeeeeeeeee!
5/20/24
Hello blogirls and guys, welcome back to Jemmaofftheweb. You may have noticed it's been a few days since I've last posted. There is a reason, I asure you. I have fallen ill with some weird ass throat shit. My throat hurts like hell, which brings the problem of that I love to yap and it is disabling me from yapping. Yesterday I left work thirty minutes early because it was getting so bad, and today I am home from school. I'm hoping to be back up and at it again on Tuesday though.
In other news, I started a little journal last week (which has been fun), I went on a little date to see Back To Black and then went to the beach, and I also went to the beach with my brother. It was a good weekend until I got sick. I'm hoping for a speedy recovery and I believe it will happen! Anyways, apreciate not being sick while you've got it yall! Byeee!!
5/21/24
Good morning/afternoon blogirls and guys, it's Jemma again and I am still feeling ill. Not nearly as bad as yesterday, but enough to stay home from school and talk a shit ton about college with my Mom. She's also home today. I'm not too worried about missing school as I was in the past. I think I have a cavity though, cuz my tooth fuckin stings. It's like it's splitting from the inside. Not gonna worry about that tho, it's fine. All I gotta worry about is having a good time and enjoying my life. Been playing a lot of Pokemon Diamond and Pokemon Alpha Saphire (along with Minecraft). That's yer blog post for today, alright? Byee!
5/23/24
Hey internet, I'm back at school. Sometimes I think and wonder if my ex still reads my blog, even after I changed the site name. It really doesn't matter either way, because I'm all moved on, but that'd be crazy if they found the page lol. I'm back at school now and not feeling as sick. It's weird though, because I forgot tomorrow I have a half day and there is no school on Monday, so I've got a lot more time on my hands. Plus, somehow my work only scheduled me one shift this week so it gives me even more time. I have no clue what I'm gonna do. I'll probably try and go to the beach every day that the weather is good, hang out with friends, and maybe ask the girl I went on a date with to another date. Probably shouldn't be typing that out right in front of her lol. Anyways, I gotta do econ, bye!
5/24/24
Blogirls and guys, welcome back, today is a half day! I still feel somewhat sick, but it's alright. Atleast it's a half day. My ex graduated yesterday, so that's good. I'm trying to think of other things to write about but all I can think about is going home. I really wanna go home. Just go home and relax for the rest of the extended weekend. No school on Monday because of memorial day. Anyways, I guess I'll leave things here. Bye!
5/25/24
Hey internet people, it's JemmaofftheWeb again, and today I have to work. It's not a big deal, it's just life. Currently I'm home alone, so I was practicing guitar, but now I'm thinking about something weird. So, I bought the album Have Twangy Guitar Will Travel by Duane Eddie yesterday at the local guitar store (it was only five dollars, and it's the original 1958 version I believe) and I'm noticing some of the songs might be slightly different than the ones on Spotify of this record. Maybe I'm just crazy, or hearing things that I didn't notice before because it's on vinyl, or maybe it's just that the Spotify version is a remastered or remixed version of the songs. I'm not sure. I just think it's interesting.
If you've been keeping up with the website since the begining, or something like that. You've probably realized that since the Winter update there has not been many changes or additions to the site, and not nearly as many weird or nuanced parts of the site. This is a thing I've been lightly thinking about too. I'm not sure how much I really want to expand the site past what it is right now. It's really at what I think is its "Carrying Capacity". I don't really feel the need to expand it. I do my little blog posts, and that's about it. I guess compared to many (dead) neocities sites it's pretty active on here, but there's no coding genious work here or anything. Just my thoughts.
5/26/24
Blogirls, bloguys, hello. It's Jemma again. It always suprises me that people actually read the stuff I put on here, and some of you even do the little like thing on Neocities. It's just strange to me because these are just thoughts in my head or whatever. But I guess, it should make sense. We are all humans. We're built out of the flesh and the blood and the bone and the plastic. We crave others thinking alike us. Crave is such a disgusting word in my mind. There's many things that disgust me in a certain way I can't explain. Some flanged guilty picture enters my head shaded with a tone of pale green opacity. Green and black and white and red. Changing. Mouth opening, jaws lifting, teeth in sight. Juice and disgust. My stomach sinks and my heart stops. I sweat. I don't know what this feeling is. I guess it's just disgust, but it seems there is no word that could meet it's reality. American Indulgence. That's what it is. It's a feeling of guilty indulgence. This is what the poem envoked in me.
I just now found From Blossoms, the poem that I've been speaking of.
Feel free to take a look at it.
Re-reading it now, I don't know if I feel entirely the same. I see the "joy" and "jubilence" that most of my classmates felt as we totally didn't talk about because you aren't suposed to talk about the exam right after talked about the poem, while I felt only guilt. Not for American Indulgence, but indulgence, and I supose for the sake of guilt. Maybe this guilt sprouts from former (and sometimes not so former) body and eating disorders and dysmorphias, or perhaps it sprouts from imposter syndromes or self sabotaging mind paths. Perhaps it's nothign at all, and doesn't matter.
None the less, a simple passage about peaches on this exam sunk me to pits lower than I figured that day I'd go, and clearly left an impact on me as I still think about it today. Of all poetry I've read in my life I cannot think of any to compete with this one as far as impact goes. As much impact as verses of The Bible I once studied. Now I leave you with it on my blog, in a mess of puzzling emotion. Ciao.
5/27/24
Hello blog people, yesterday I ended up staying up late into the night, listening to the radio, and texting. It was fun, but I am so tired. And I think I've made a choice. I'm going to officially stop telling people irl about my blog. It's just too risky. Like, I don't need people reading this to get the drama they've been craving or the scoop on whatevers going on. That's for internet folk that are unattatched to my life. BTW, conserning the title, it is not actually two am. It is noon right now when I'm writing this. Anyways, I'm probably gonna leave things here today. I do want to mention, I finally made a Site Map so yall can navigate around this joint. Anyways, have a good memorial day! Byeee!
5/28/24
Blogirls and bloguys, what is up. It's Jemma and we're chillin today. It's Tuesday, a short week of school, and I lied to you.. I am not chillin'. Actually I have two big projects due that are going to kick my ass. Specifically I have one due in Geology, that I missed all the work days for when I was sick, and it's due tomorrow. Yeesh. Anyways, I should probably go work on that instead of writing the blog. Peace out.
5/30/24
Hey yall, it's Jemma and I have ideas. I just realized there was a new post on the guestbook (love hearing from yall! appreciate the support, keep on truckin') and it made me wonder: would you blogirls and guys be interested in an advice collumn? Like, yall can post your questions annonymously on the guestbook and I can respond on here or somewhere. Idk, just an idea. If you are super interested though, just shoot a question, or some questions, on the guestbook or on discord in my dms or whatever.
Anyways, on the topic of normal life, I'm not sure how much I talked about it on here (realizing I totally did) but that Geology project I had due, I got a perfect score on it. So we chillin. I'm kind of nervous for Summer though, and school is over in a week. It's whatever though, it's all good. We're just gonna hope things work out and TRY TO BE HAPPY!! Anyways, thats where I'll cut the blog. I'm gonna keep my eye out on the guestbook if yall do want to do the advice collumn thing, hope to hear from ya! Ciao!!!!!
6/1/24
Hello blog, happy Pride Month to all you lovely gays. I really don't have much else to say right now, except that I saw this shit on Neocities about some account named divsel and wanting to ban divsel and I am of the opinion that I don't really give a shit. Like, I am not spending my time caring about what is actually going on with likes and follows and all that stuff. Instead I just post on my little blog and have fun. Anyways, have a good first of June! Goodbye!
6/2/24
You may be wondering,"What could be the meaning of the title of this post? It seems to be strange numbers.." or something of the sorts. Perhaps I guessed exactly what you were thinking when you read this title. In all reality it means nothing but how far into The Love Witch I am. I was watching it, but my parents got home so I figured I'd get it off the TV screen.
Tonight I plan to shave my legs again, for I did a spotty and plain bad job the other day. The bathtub in my house is broken, so I must shave in the shower or just in the bathroom on the floor. It's been like this for a while. I could try and fix it, I asked my Dad about it and he said he's not going to mess with it. So I just live. I'm sorry, this is too much information. I believe this is the first time on the blog I've appologized about sharing. Of course, the whole point of this website is for me to share. I speak what feels to be my most intimate feelings and secrets onto this site; except they're not. They're coded (no pun intended) with my intimate emotions. Look longingly to the seams and stitches of my words and perhaps you may see what I feel.
I am continuining the blog post (making it the longest one in a minute) due to a realization that there is a new post on the guest book! This post is by Myth of the Web and the question is "What made you wanna start doing something like this?" Ah, Myth, a question you ask as old as time. First off, thankyou for the compliment in the earlier half of th post, and second, we must dig back to September 29, 2023. In my life this was quite the turbulent time, as I was in a pretty interesting relationship, tough academic situation, and full of general unhappiness. If you read that first blog post I flat out say my name isn't Jemma, and I'm going to say this is a lie for very complicated reasons. In fact, we're going to delve directly into a deep puddle of mud raking far beyond the boundaries of this question. Digging into this, happy pride month, I'm trans. Well, atleast this is a coming out for those of you who did not know or could not pick up the context clues. I haven't directly stated this on the blog until now due to fear. Fear that others on neocities and the further web would view me differently. Off the internet I identify as gender fluid as I do not feel comfortable expressing as much femininity as I do on the Web in real life for the sake of keeping my teachers and peers from treating me in a way that would put me to a disadvantage. Much of the birth of this blog was to cope with this and express the idea of being a cisgendered highschool girl. I am in highschool, and although many would claim otherwise (thanks transphobes) I am a girl. A second reason I have not come out on the blog is for fear of others attempting to shake my identity through critizsm. All in all, this does not matter. Nobody gives a shit what I put on here or anything, it really doesn't matter- that is unless I get internet (or neocities) famous. That would be interesting. Ergo, my name is Jemma as I am now more confident about my gender. In real life I have not come to use this name, but the reasons why are given here. The world can be a scary place.
Looping back to the question, all of this was created out of a need for self expression, whether that be by gender, escapism. This is the simple answer, and the most correct. Thanks Myth of the Internet for reading and thanks for the question! It is much apreciated. For all you webjems, blogirls, and bloguys reading, if you have more questions or would like advice or anything of the sort, reach out on the Guestbook and I will happily respond! I really would love to get an advice collumn type thing going, but any question will do! Thank you all for reading and support since September! Ciao!
P.S. note to myself that I left off watching The Love Witch at 1:26:55
6/3/24
Webjems, what is up. I opened up my computer today to make the blogpost and I am realizing I am NOT going to be able to top yesterdays post lol. So I guess I'll just give normal life updates and such. Today I picked up one of my co-worker's shifts so I have to DASH from school to home to put on my work uniform and then get my ass to work as fast as possible. The shift starts at 2:00 and I get out at 1:39, so I'll probably be a little late. It's okay though I assume, seeing as it's a Tuesday and nobody goes to movies on Tuesdays. Except for me and my brother, it's nice when there's nobody in the theaters. After I work I'm going home and eating dinner with my family (per usual) and then I'm gonna go chill with my bestie and get wendys frostie and friess. So yeah, that's about all. Somebody today or yesterday or something was like nobody cares what you put on the blog and I was kind of like whatever, I really don't care. My brother also saw me typing and he was like DON'T BE SAYING CRAZY SHIT and I was like UGHH FINE.. So we chillin. Also the girl I like that I went on a date with figured out the blog existed, but she doesn't know what the URL is and I am NOT telling her. This is only for you internet people and a few of my friends. I don't want to have to change the URL again if another break up happens. Ciao!
6/4/24
Hey internet, it's Jemma! Today I get my yearbook at school, which I'm super excited for. I love yearbooks, and I've made sure to get one every year since kindergarten. I love going back and looking and really reconnecting with a past piece of me and feeling like I'm really still there. It's nice. I'm not nostalgic in a "I want to go back" way, but in a "this feels like I'm still there" way. Like I never left. I think about the late elementary and middle school drama and it feels like memories of an archaic time. A time of magic and spendor, but also hate and conflict. I can still taste the dust of the playground and feel the sun not only burn myself but the ground around me. I can hear the voices of my peers call to me and the thoughts clammering around my head. I am thankful for these memories.
6/5/24
Today it is raining, which is not my favourite, but I rest easy knowing my friends are chillin and getting the shit they need. It is the last day of having first and second hour, so no more AP Lit or AP Art, which is fine by me. I also just did a Mona Lisa jigsaw puzzle. I literally am doing nothing at school today, so I'm gonna go check the guestbook. Nothing new, so I'm gonna go back to real life, goodbye :)
6/6/24
Hello internet people, it's Jemma and I just finished my Econ exam. I think I did okay on it, I'm expecting a B or something. Today the sun is shining, I've got a cool outfit, and things are going good. Yet another day in which I can rest easy. My art teacher keeps on saying he'll give me his old Archie comics from when he was a kid, but he keeps on forgetting them (which honestly I can't blame him for seeing as I am hella forgetful). I also got my yearbook yesterday, which is cool. I love yearbooks, I've gotten one every year since Kindergarten.. wait I feel like I already told yall that. Oh well lol. In other news, I started talking to my 2 online friends again, which is exciting. I think we were all just really busy for a minute there, but now things are cooling down a bit (atleast for me). AND WAIT, I HAVE MORE GOOD NEWS!!! My boss ACTUALLY IS SCHEDULING ME HOURS!!! I got 21 hours next week, which isn't a lot, but it's more than a lot of people are getting and I am very happy about it. My slightly annoying nagging is finally paying off. Now I just need to remember to thank him next time I go in and tell him to keep it up. Call it a redemption arc or something. Anyways, I should probably let you all go now.
I do have an idea real quick though; I am thinking about doing a weekly email newsletter type thing just letting yall know what music I've been listening to in replacement of the old music section of the blog from when it started out. Let me know if yall are interested by signing up! You can either sign up by DMing me on discord, asking in the discord server, emailing me (jemmaontheweb@gmail.com), saying something on the guestbook, or whatever. Literally even if just one person signs up I will do it. It's more writing practice and thought thinking for me! Okay, this blog post has gotten really big, I'm seriously gonna cut it here. Ciao!
6/7/24
Schools. Out. For. Summer! Another school year in the books my blogirls! Today I took my government exam, picked up a box of Archie comics from my teacher, and went on home. Got home at 9:15! I'm pretty happy, right now I'm just watching Sex and the City. It's nice. I'm a little less scared of the Summer, because this Summer I'm going to hang out with friends a bunch, go on a couple nice little dates, and work a whole bunch. I'm hoping it's a fun, typical highschool Summer as it will be my last one. Anyways, I had ideas of what to write about on the blog today, but I forgot, and I gave yall an earfull yesterday, so it's all good. Happy Summer, peace out!
6/8/24
Hello internet, it's your (hopefully) favorite blogirl Jemma welcoming you to THE SUMMER!! I'm pretty excited for this Summer.
I woke up this morning after a dream that one of my teachers assigned an essay that was due today, the day after school was over (what a drag that would've been)! Then I picked up a Cathy comic strip collection that I found for a dollar at a garage sale yesterday and started to dig in. I've never read much Cathy, but nonetheless after reading it I picked up my sketchbook and cranked out a comic strip.
Also at garage sales yesterday I found What Witches Do, Hagar the Horrible, Astrology for Adults, and The World's Last Mysteries. I got all of those for just five dollars! It really makes me think. I just know where to go to get all this stuff, or something is just working out. It's pretty nice. I feel like there's levels to it. You've got corporate stores like Barnes and Nobles or Amazon online and stuff like that which is for finding exactly what you need or want, but the price is high. Then you've got local used book stores, which can be somewhat expensive or really cheap, but you're still relatively likely to find what you're looking for. Then lastly you have thrift stores and garage sales, where there's no idea if you'll find what you are looking for at all, but there is a great opportunity that you'll find something you want for super cheap. Like, the other day I found a copy of Pokemon Red for a DOLLAR at a garage sale. This was literally insane. All in all, these rankings from corporate entity, local book store, and then thrift or garage sale.. You really get what effort you put in. If you put in the time and effort to go to garage sales and scope all of them out and do all that you get super good deals and things. If you quick go on amazon and find what you need you pay a lot more. I guess it's different circumstances too, because if you're really looking for something specific you probably shouldn't go to garage sales. I guess then there's me who just likes the feeling of searching, like its panning for gold in the old west to enrich myself beyond imagination.
6/9/24
Hello blog, today starts the first day of my five day work week. It's all late shifts too (except for one), but its nice because I'm getting 25 hours (which is good for the part time movie theater job that I have). I had so many ideas of things to talk about on the blog yesterday night, but they have all fled from my mind. Yesterday I went to an estate sale and I got a three record set and a painting for a dollar, so that's pretty cool. I also went on a date, which was really un. Oh! I think I forgot to bring this up, but I bought a charger for the battery of an old digital camera that used to be my Mom's and I have been trying to document my whole Summer on it. It's been pretty fun, I've taken lots of pictures with it. I think some people get sort of uncomfortable with the idea of it, but I don't really care, it's all for documentation. In thirty years, or maybe even when I'm 26, I'll look at these pictures and enjoy the memories. Anyways, my brother is starting to talk to me. Peace!
6/10/24
Yesterday I went down a rabbit hole thinking about the future, and what my career and life is holding for me. The more I think about college and the more I plan for it and try to figure it out the worse even going seems to me in my head. I don't want to think about down the road anymore. Now I'm just sitting here tired because I worked a shift till 11:30 last night, then I was texting and fell asleep texting. I woke up this morning to the sound of my brother showering (the shower is right next to my room, specifically right by where my bed is on the other side of the wall). So that was not the best. I did not choose to be awake right now.
All in all I need to leave whatever bad feelings I have behind and have a good day. And probably get off my computer and phone right now and lock into something. Or I should shower or work out, which reminds me, I need to make a new workout schedule. Anyways, hope you're all less tired and less down than me right now (I'm being so dramatic lol), Ciao!
6/11/24
Hey blogals and bloguys, its JemmaofftheWeb. Maybe I can change the site back to Jemma on the Web soon, but I don't really want to have to go back through and fix all the links. This morning I tried to play an RPG Maker game on my 2ds and got confused, so I gave up for now. I also was reading some American History books and was reading specifically about the reasons for the Constitution, Benjamin Franklin, and 1850s-1890s Philidelphia. I also watched some Instagram reels (to my great disturbance) and don't have to go to work till one. Plus, when I go to work, I can stop at the game store to pick up my copy of Pokemon Red that they replaced the save battery on for 10$. I'm gonna do a breakdown of how much getting my Gameboy Pocket and Pokemon Red costed.
I was at garage sales and I found Super Mario Land 2 and Pokemon Red for a total of 2$. Then I went to the game store and sold Super Mario Land 2 for 10$, making it so I gained a total of 8$ so far. Then I bought a blue Gameboy Pocket for 45$, but because of the money from selling Super Mario Land 2 my total expendatures thus far are 37$. Then I had to go get the save battery replaced on Pokemon Red, resulting in a total of 47$ spent on the blue Gameboy Pocket and Pokemon Red cartridge. In perspective, a copy of Pokemon Red at the local gamestore is 70$, so I spent 13$ less to get a lot more. Plus I can get more gameboy games and play them on the console. I might down the road sell the gameboy pocket and buy myself a Gameboy Advance. The Gameboy Pocket was cheaper than other ones at the store because there was corosion in the place where you put the batteries, but I cleaned most of it out and if I ever sell it I'll clean all of it to try and make as much as I can to invest in a gameboy advance. I had something I was gonna say after all that, and then I forgot, right about until half way through typing this sentence.
I'm gonna choose Charmander when I start playing this run of Pokemon Red, but I'm not sure what to name it, so yall should email me or put on the guestbook some ideas because I am so brain dead. My current name ideas are William, Rosarie, or Envy. I'm debating what other pokemon I want to use as well. I kind of want a Primeape, because as a kid I thought it was the strongest pokemon for some reason, but I'm not sure how good that'll do me in the game. I know I'm gonna avoid trade evolution pokemon (seeing as I do not have any friends with a gameboy, link cable, and copy of gen 1 or 2 pokemon games). Anyways, I'm gonna wrap up the blog for today because my brother keeps trying to talk to me. Ciao!
6/12/24
Hello again blogirls and guys! Quick updates on what I named my Pokemon when I got started on that file; I named my Charmander Rosarie, named by Pidgey Iridescent, and my Nidoran ♂ Majesty.
Anyways, I just got my work schedule and I'm scheduled about 20 hours over the next week, a lot of it is late night stuff (till about 11:30), which is fine. I'm feeling pretty tired today because I woke up at like four in the monring and stayed up late. Yesterday was a rough-ish day, not the best, but every other day this Summer has been pretty good. I might ask some of my friends if they want to hang out when I'm not working. In better outlook on all that though, I have the days I needed off off and I got lots of hours which is good because the next week I really can't work much as I am getting my wisdom teeth removed and then going on a few day vacation with family to the Rock 'N' Roll hall of fame (yayy!!). And there's a neighborhood garage sale which I need to take off for a bit so I can sell all this stuff I have laying around my house. But yeah, it's gonna be a busyish week next week and I'm glad I'm making the money now. I'm debated whether I want to try and pick up a shift next Wednesday (the one more day I can work next week) or ask the girl I've been going on dates with on another date. Probably the latter option. All in all, I think that's where I'm gonna cut the blog for today. Thanks to Myth of the Web again for the encouragement and comment on the Guestbook! It is appreciated! Alright, byee!!
6/13/24
Thirteens an unlucky number if you're supersticious. Not saying anything bad's gonna happen today, I'm just aware. I'm watching a bee fly around outside my window like it's tryna get in. I ought to close the window to keep the cold air in. I ate some leftover pizza for breakfast and it was so bad and it's left that wretched taste in my mouth. I ought to go and eat some carrots to wash it out. I just learned how to play the Rolling Stones version of Down Home Girl on guitar. This blog post is jumping from topic to topic. Today is one of these days where I really don't feel like doin this, so I'm gonna stop.
6/14/24
I could write a whole blog about my week. An epic. An extended edition, featured article, prized picture. I could also write about Elvis Presley. How I put his picture next to the cash register as I hammered out tickets to a movie I'll never see. How something in his eyes sparked a will in my mind to carry on. I could write about the backrooms breakroom of my work. The suicidal thoughts I've heard leave the mouth of those formerly close with me and their residue leaking from it's aura. How I return nonetheless to it. How I take pictures on my Mom's old camera, gifted to her by her Mother upon her moving West. There's a million things I could write about, but it's two minutes to midnight and after a long week's work, that ending tomorrow, I have no formal thoughts to give to you. So here it is, midnight.
6/15/24
My chest is sticky, but not as sticky as my hands or forehead. I lie in bed, computer on croch and legs, after a midnight shift. I've just finished writing my June 14 blog post, one cryptic but kindly worded, as if to persuay positive emotions to cover the disdainful cry of the night. It's 12:07 on a Saturday morning. I've just gotten off work a half hour ago, how could a girl sleep after such a shift? Certainly not well.
Certainly not, I'd agree.
There's not much I fear more than moths. I think of them and I shiver. My body shakes as I watch them fly to the light. I see their wings as devilishly evil faces. They grind their prescense into my soul, acting for everything that is wrong. They chaoticly bastardize the air, which suposedly is pure enough to grace every lapsing pure bit of my skin. My skin which holds everything in, the most intimate of pieces lie withinit.
It's a year of the very early 2010s and a young girl lies awake in her room. She stares at the bulbous light bolted into the white ceiling. . Parked upon the pale blue walls is an insect, that may as well be a demon to the girl. It's big, and though really is just a bug, to her it seems to have a big shining smile of evil and two buggy yellow eyes as it rubs its grimy so-called hands together. She screams and yells as if it could kill her and runs to her father to save her. Now she's seventeen, and can only run from the bugs.
6/16/24
Today is my first day off since last Saturday, and good God my feet hurt from standing at work all week. Tomorrow I'm going back till 11:30, but it won't be opening day of Inside Out 2. I'm gonna be brutally honest with all of you, I've never seen Inside Out and after my experiences on opening day of the second one I genuinely never want to hear about it again.
That out of the way, it's Fathers Day. I apreciate my Dad, but I feel bad for those who have shitty, absent, or dead fathers on this day. I guess that's my only thoughts on that. Tuesday I have my first DND session of the Summer (I'm pretty excited but definitely need to prepare a bit more) and Wednesday I've got another date. We're going antiquing! Personally I'm not a big fan of the name antiquing for it, as I more see it as looking at old shit and (occasionally) taking something home. Antiquing just makes it sound so bougie. Like, I usually only go to one antique store, but I picked up a paper at that store that has a list and map of a bunch of them all around the coast, and I think that's what we'll end up following. So I'm pretty excited. I also think two of my friends are going on a date this week. Romance (or dates I supose) is in the air! I think they both read the blog (two of the last of my irl friends that know the link to this little site), so if yall are reading, hello! Have fun on your picnic. Anyways, I'm gonna leave it there for today. Have a nice day! Ciao!
6/17/24
Lately (for the past week) I've been having a weird situation. I've been feeling really really hungry, then I get myself some food ready, I'll eat like a little bit of it, and then I'm super full. I'm thinking theres a number of things this could be, such as that i haven't been working out the past four days or something, or its something else. It's just weird. I'll even be sitting, trying to eat, but I just don't have the energy to. Or I'll eat super fast and it just makes me feel gross and then I can't eat anymore. For some reason eating has gotten to a very weird point in my head. That's all for today, stay tuned I supose.
6/18/24
Whats up blog people, it's Jemma. I've been thinking of remodeling the site again to a more purple goth but early internet plus tons of pink kind of pop punky Avril Lavigne Ayesha Erotica look (to just throw shit tons of words at you), but I don't even know where I'd start. Plus I like the blog part of the site how it is right now, so I'm thinking about just starting up another site called Jemma's Web or something. We'll see. I also started my DND campaign today, and I think it went well. Plus I have the day off from work (yay)! SO basically, life is good, we are chillin. I started listening to Avirl Lavigne a few days ago and I'm getting pretty into her. I've also been listening to Evanescence, Carly Rae Jepsen, and The Donnas. That's been the music vibe since last night. Anyways, thats all for today, have a great day! Ciao!
6/20/24
Soooo my computer is almost dead. That means a short blog post. Yesterday I went on a super cool date, but I'm totally overthinking everything and losing my mind. I have to go to work in a couple hours and I'll lose my mind in the heat there. I think I need to go work out, so I guess this is all for today. OMG OMG OMG. Ciao!
6/21/24
Wow, looking at yesterday, I was so definitely tweakin'. Now I am not, just got done doing a garage sale (I made about seventy dollars, which in the six hours of sitting in the heat, is about how much I would've made at the movie theater). Speaking of heat, the AC in the lobby broke at my job, so I've been sweatin' it, which has made my achne flare up sadly. That is life though. My physical appearence and mental state may not be in tip top shape at the moment, but it's okay. I have succesfully made a bit of money. Like, my last paycheck was a couple hundred dollars, all of which I put into savings for college. I feel like I'm living in a weird state somewhere between wanting to be the non chalant stoner goth girl, nerd girl in general, or being a spoiled brat. The problem with that last one being I am neither spoiled nor a brat. I can't believe the first month of the Summer is almost over either. Next week I get my wisdom teeth out, then I'm going on vacation to the Rock 'N' Roll hall of fame for a day or two I believe with my family. That'll give me a nice break from work (which is where I'll be from 4:30-11:30 at night the next three days). Which day is it? Friday? Hopefully the buzz around Inside Out 2 will have calmed down. Sometimes I forget how decent this website actually looks compared to version one. Anyways, see you all around, Ciao!
6/23/24
Yesterday I almost wrote about femeninity and masculinity, but I got distracted and it kind of fell off. So here I am today to possibly write about it, from razor bumps to strawberry icecream. The past few days I've definitely been having a whole bunch of trans panic. It all has been ranging from thoughts of "Am I really a girl?", "Am I a real girl if I am a girl?", "Am I a good enough trans girl?", "What is femeninity?", and "Will my Mom despise me for expressing my femeninity?".
I oft wonder if HRT would be helpful for me. I'm witnessing my friend go though it at the moment, and if I am very very very confident about my gender identity outside of the internet and this website (where I firmly believe that I am a girl and FIRMLY go by she/her pronouns) I think it could be good for me. For example, today before work I fell down the gender identity rabbit hole, not really worrying about whether or not I am transfem, but about the long and short term implications it may have on my life. Transition in itself is a fear striking word, even in daily life. Transition from one class to another, transition from schedule to schedule, transition of objects around a room; change is no welcome reality for me usually. That is, usually. There are breaking points for me. When I get SO SO SO sick of a situation. I usually start big changes by moving things around in my room. The room is the home of the soul to me.
Either way, I was standing on the edge of panic melt down at work (or something of the sorts) due to many things, but the impending gender change that could be ahead of me was a major stressor, and it is here I leave you. Goodnight.
6/24/24
Good morning blogirls and guys, it's Jemma and this is probably going to be the last midnight blog post for a while seeing as I probably won't work another 11:30 shift for a little bit. Elvis has certainly carried me through it. Tonights post we will chronicle self discovery in one movie theater shift.
This shift tonight I worked with two co-workers in their twenties (and for closing it was all people older than me, but thats beside the point) and they gave me somewhat sage like advice (or just helpful advice in general) about two major topics. The first being transgenderism and the second being neurodivergence, two thinks that I most definitely believe I face. We'll start with the trans topic. That is, if I didn't forget what I was gonna say. I had it all planned out while I was in the shower. Basically, I just talked through how being trans is hard, I am valid though and that even though I am not like every other trans girl I am still a girl and I don't have to fit into any standard or set of things and that even if I have doubts of if I am trans I probably still am if I've gotten this far. I was also validified in my thoughts about having an eating disorder situation been going on for a couple years, and they were able to help me confirm that so I am not so feeling like I am crazy. My other conversation about neurodivergence basically helped me to get around the stigma of possibly having ADD or OCD or ADHD or whatever I have. Am definitely leaning toward ADHD. SO yeah, both these conversations have helped me feel more valid about stigmatized pieces of my personality and now you all on the internet know it too. Goodnight!
6/25/24
Today it rained, as if it was the entry of Dorothy into the mental assylum as I entered the building of which they'd remove my wisdom teeth. In retrospect and a wider context, it is not a big deal, but this morning it was an experience like no other. Twice in my unconscious life I was put under for surgery, but this was the first time of my conscious life I've expereinced laughing gas and whatever else they put me under with. I arived at the office and soon after they took me back. Placed onto a chair I sat and anxiously squirmed and shook, fearful of what they would do to me or what my subconscious would leak out of my mouth. Soon the hunger and gas began to kick into my system as it felt like a fire in my stomach. I remember beginning to speak to my Mother about whether or not this was natural. I began to think too deep I supose, as thats what my Mother told me. Soon the nurse and doctor came in. They placed the IV in my right arm and I was no longer conscious. The last conversation I remember being asking about the IV as the surgeon placed it in without announcing to me and me asking what this was. He explained he shouldve told me he put it in. My anxiety slightly spiked and I exclaimed the wonder of modern science. He began to tell me about the many ways people of the past used things like IVs, and I in return asked when they were first used. He responded unkowingly, and this is the last thing I remember. Soon, I would become once again conscious, fall over, watch Moonrise Kingdom, but then rewatch it because my consciousness faded in and out throughout the whole thing. That leads up to now, 2:28 PM. I await the end of the day to begin my second day of recovery. My last remarks upon this experience are that I feel more confident in my identity, as it really doesn't matter if everything feels like a dream anyways, and that drugs are of the devil and i never want to try them again as i have an extreme mental reaction to them, and lastly that i have looked into the eyes of God herself.
6/26/24
Good morning blog people. I am feeling alright from after getting my wisdom teeth out, just very annoyed bc it's surgery and that's no fun. But hey, it could be worse. I'm hoping by Friday I'll be feeling better so I can still go on vacation, and atleast by Monday I'll feel better because I have to work a whole bunch. I work Monday through Thursday, but this time it is'nt crazy late shifts (except for one of my shifts). I think they're all mid shifts (meaning neither opening nor closing) which are not my favorite or least favorite shifts. I prefer opening shifts usually, but mid shifts are my second favorite, and closing shifts are my least favorite. My mom is asking what I am typing about right now, and I just told her it's a journal, because it basically is. A journal the whole internet has access to if they want. It's a strange concept, but I just am going to trust that the world won't use it against me. Anyways, that's where I'm gonna cut it for today. Byeee!